Category: Healthy Mind & Heart

Help For the Empath – get unstuck from other people’s emotions and into the new year by answering these questions

You’ve just experienced the climax of December festivities – all the parties, all the cookies, all the shopping, all the extended family, all the rushing, the fixing, prepping, joining, conversating. And now, the new year approaches. If you’re like me, you don’t know what day it is or what you’re supposed to be doing … I only know the new year is approaching.

 

Perhaps the month of December propels you forward with new vision and strength; all the socializing has stirred in you a fresh energy?  However, this is for the empath – the one who feels heavy without explanation and could use some help moving into the New Year. 

 

The best way I can describe the heaviness is this, I wish I could wash off other people’s emotions, because they stick to me, and I’m left with a feeling of defeated-ness.  Empath’s see and feel what others are fighting.  At least that is what I tearfully told my husband the day after Christmas.  I know these feelings are not mine to fix, and I know I’m not responsible for others … but I feel them, and therefore they feel like a part of me.

 

(Sometimes a good cry helps loosen the sticky grip … however, washing yourself in the Word and worship is cleansing, and opens the perspective of victory to the heart.)

 

These are questions I’ve written for myself and want to share with you as a tool to help bring cleansing, focus, and energy back to your journey.

 

LOOKING BACK TO SEE FORWARD

 

ONE:

What relationships had the biggest impact on you? How?

 

Not all impactful relationships end well.  When my daughter and her boyfriend broke up, I found myself grieving a boy whom I accepted as my own. I quickly realized my grieving was because I knew I had much more healing love to offer him, therefore I grieved for his unhealed wounds. This impacted me to begin mentoring and purposefully sitting down with those who need a listening ear to hear their story and in turn, offer them wisdom and healing from my relationship with Jesus.

 

An impactful relationship helps you see God’s direction for you.  

 

TWO:

When it comes you your health (physical, mental, emotional), what brought improvement? And therefore, what do you need to keep doing?

 

I’ve read some great books that inspired and directed health. Without going to into great detail on specifics, I’ll list them and let them help you in your unique situations.

Good Boundaries and Goodbyes, by Lisa TerKeurst

Lysa’s deep dive into scripture has given boundaries a whole new perspective. If you’re looking to be strengthened and engage mindfully into guarding your heart for love’s sake, here is your invite to healing.

Hormone Repair Manual, Lara Briden, and

Fast Like A Girl, Dr. Mindy Pelz

If you’re in perimenopause or menopause, these resources have helped me reverse the effects of shifting hormones. I’m still a work in progress, but heading in the right direction and seeing good results from their advice!

Lastly, I’ll keep walking everyday … and stretching my hip flexors!

 

THREE:

What habits are working for you? Focus on keeping them, the rest will fall away.

 

I’ve always been a morning writer/reader, however since I began mentoring my mornings have been much more disciplined due to the accountability aspect.  Who wants to talk with a person who doesn’t know what they’re talking about?!  This habit of bible reading in the morning has been something that I’ve developed a craving for … partly because I know it’s impacting another and partly because I feel the growth from it.

 

A good habit brings growth and sustainable development.

 

That’s it! Just three questions!

Don’t you already feel the clouds parting?  I do!  By refocusing our thoughts on things that matter most, it naturally causes our heart to engage where it feels most inspired.  By giving those questions some thought, you’ve given yourself healthy directives and good footing.

 

May this new year bring you blessings, security to your heart, and confidence to your step!

If this was helpful to you – go ahead and share it! 

The links used in this post are books I’ve personally enjoyed! “As an Amazon Associate I earn from qualifying purchases, at no added cost to you. Thank you for supporting my work in helping others!

Getting the Desires of Your Heart – and, how can something wrong feel so right?

I wish my heart was as decisive as my tongue. The tongue knows what it wants. If it wants Salt & Vinegar Potato Chips, eating pretzels or popcorn tastes like disappointment. However, when it comes to the heart, we’ll feel its desire in vague form; not able to know exactly what it really wants, we’ll feed it something until it feels right. However, feeding our body with substances and experiences in an attempt to appease our feelings can cause more harm than health.

 

To understand what your heart is really asking for – you must first understand how your heart speaks to you.

 

The complexities of our heart (and tongue) are connected to the complexities of our neurological system. Emotions such as love are not under conscious, cognitive control. They are a reaction to a thought. However, emotions are partly controllable by cognition. “The heart wants what the heart wants” is only half true – the heart reacts to what the brain thinks.

 

When you experience pleasure in any form, dopamine, the “feel-good” molecule is released. When dopamine levels rise, the brain signals that the associated behavior was important and should be repeated – thus telling your heart the experience was good, feels good – so, keep doing it!

 

Here’s the thing, dopamine is activated through pleasure – not wisdom.  That means you can experience something that feels good but is not good for you.

 

  • Dopamine tells me I want to eat Salt & Vinegar Potato Chips – Wisdom tells me I need sodium, or I need to drink more water.
  • Dopamine tells us sex is pleasurable – Wisdom tells us to reserve sex for marriage.

Just because your heart (or tongue) finds something pleasurable, doesn’t mean that’s what it really wants.

 

How to hear the wisdom your heart desires:

 

If you’ve read this far you’ve already accomplished step one,

 

  • ONE: Becoming Aware of Your Actions

Be aware that your heart is asking for something through the feelings you’re having. Identify those feelings – lonely, scared, worrisome, envious, angry, etc. – Recognize you are not the feeling, rather hold that feeling apart from you. You’re experiencing a reaction from a past experience.  Was the experience satisfying a deeper desire?

 

  • TWO: Pause and Pray

I love the words of Ann Voscamp, “Life is not an emergency.” Your feelings are also not an emergency and therefore you can give them time and space to be heard and seen through the lens of a loving Father. God is listening, and you can be sure He is waiting for you to ask Him into your feelings; revealing the truth of your emotions.

 

“For the word of God is living and active, sharper than any two-edged sword, piercing to the division of soul and of spirit, of joints and of marrow, and discerning the thoughts and intentions of the heart.” Hebrews 4:12

 

  • THREE: Let Your Heart ‘See’ the Outcome

When food cravings remind me of their pleasure – I remind myself of the after affect; the bloating, the puffiness, the inflammation, the bathroom struggles. If your heart is asking for something that you’ve previously experienced heartache with – remind yourself of the outcome. Will it cause health or unhealth to you, your relationships, or your environment? While you sit in that space of imagination, does the outcome match the level of desire?

 

Let me explain from a personal example.  I was very excited to go back to college and get a Phycology degree with an undergraduate in Christian Counseling.  It was all I could think about and it   just   felt   right. When the total cost was added up my excitement quickly drained. Between going into debt, the reality of my age, and other circumstances still up in the air … wisdom spoke what my heart really wants. I really want to pour out, help others navigate through hard things, be a Mentor, and to step into the Titus 2 role in greater capacity.  

 

“For the Lord gives wisdom; from his mouth come knowledge and understanding; he stores up sound wisdom for the upright;” Proverbs 2:6

 

  • FOUR: Is your heart desire met through God alone? Or something, or someone else?

If I was married, I’d be content.

If I get the promotion, I’d be satisfied.

If my teenager would obey, I’d have peace.

If my husband would spend more time with me, I wouldn’t be lonely.

If my grandchildren would call me, I’d feel valued.

 

If our heart condition is contingent on someone or something, we’ve substituted the pleasures of God for our own emotional wants. Feeding this kind of selfishness leads to a hunger never fulfilled and a heart that continues to be fed disappointment.

 

“You make known to me the path of life; in your presence there is fullness of joy; at your right hand are pleasures forevermore.” Psalm 16:11

 

Friend, as your heart speaks its requests, I hope you’re able to navigate its complexities with Gospel truth and some scientific understanding.

 

I’ll leave you with a few questions to help navigate all the more.

 

  • Are the places you receive from bound together through Gospel truth or emotional relatability? 
  • After getting what you want, do you still crave more, or experience only temporary satisfaction?
  • Before reaching for the ‘fix’ – do you ask God into your situation and into your heart? Letting Him lead you where it may not be pleasurable for the sake of lasting health?

If this was helpful to you – go ahead and share it! 

The following quotes are linked to books I’ve personally enjoyed! “As an Amazon Associate I earn from qualifying purchases, at no added cost to you. Thank you for supporting my writing!

Closing the Gap Between Loneliness and Connection (with understanding and tools)

In a Harvard Study, post-covid research showed that one in three people suffer from loneliness.  In fact, as the numbers keep coming in, that one is rising. When you’re in a room of many, almost half the people you’re surrounded with are in some way experiencing loneliness – they’re enduring ongoing feelings of isolation and a longing to love and be loved.

 

If you’re lonely, you’re not alone.

 

Loneliness is not something you experience from your outside environment, rather it’s an internal view of your understanding to outside stimuli. This is why, in a room of many people one can feel very alone. 

 

My goal in this article is to give you understanding and tools to move you out of loneliness and into fellowship. In order to do that you will have to be honest with yourself.  Loneliness is an internal struggle; the good news is that God has given us His Spirit to lead us out and into freedom – if we’re honest with ourselves.

 

For the word of God is living and active, sharper than any two-edged sword, piercing to the division of soul and of spirit, of joints and of marrow, and discerning the thoughts and intentions of the heart. Hebrews 4:12

 

You were created with an intrinsic need to belong.  Therefore, the desire to be with others, connected, and experience belonging is normal and good!  It’s healthy!  It’s the way God made it.  In Genesis 2:18, God said, “It is not good for man to be alone.” He then made Eve.  Even God Himself is a triune God, there is fellowship within the parameters of God, Jesus, and Holy Spirit (Gen. 1:26).

 

Loneliness was never the intent of creation.  

 

In the book of Hebrews, Paul gives us a lesson in how to avoid loneliness … “consider how to stir one another to love and good works.”  Loneliness causes you to look at yourself instead of another.  Your thoughts then turn to negativity and make assumptions … no one likes me, I’m alone, I don’t fit in, they don’t want me, there’s something wrong with me. 

 

This is why Paul says “consider” – he is telling us to direct our thoughts toward another and away from ourselves.  What you focus on, (or “consider”) you will draw near to you. As you focus on encouraging another, you will draw near to fellowship.

 

And let us consider how to stir up one another to love and good works, not neglecting to meet together, as is the habit of some, but encouraging one another, and all the more as you see the day drawing near. Hebrews 10:24

 

The day I reached out to an online mom group about the lonely feelings that come after a child moves out.

Loneliness is a result of an unwillingness to be vulnerable.

 

Vulnerability is risky to your heart. The risk? … rejection.  Rejection is to your heart, as getting burned is to your nervous system.  When you touch something scorching hot, you’ll involuntarily pull away quickly – it’s your nervous system protecting you.  Much like a burn we’ve all experienced being rejected at some point in our lives – where there is risk, your brain will tell you to stay safe, and stay away.

 

Therefore, the only way to overcome loneliness is to allow yourself to be vulnerable in the spaces you crave connection.

 

Remember: Loneliness begets loneliness – vulnerability begets vulnerability

 

There are three types of loneliness as explained in a Harvard Study called “The Loneliness Pandemic.”

“Social phycologist defines loneliness as the gap between the social connections you would like to have and those you feel you experience.”  You can close that gap by the measure of vulnerability you’re willing to give.

1. Psychological or interpersonal loneliness –

Gap: Do I have a friend? Do I have someone I can tell my troubles to? I feel alone.

Closing the gap: Have I reached out to another, nurtured a connection, or initiated a meet-up date?

2. Existential loneliness –

Gap: Do I fit into the universe? I feel my life has no meaning, purpose, weight, value, or mission.

Closing the gap: Talking to God in prayer with sincerity and in your own words, attending a church or home group that instructs from the Word of God – connecting with a spiritual mentor.

3. Societal loneliness-  

Gap: If I enter a room, is my arrival both anticipated and welcomed? What if I’m rejected, ignored, or left alone?  No one sees me.

Closing the gap: I will enter the room with a focus on my posture and expression being one of gladness, acceptance, and anticipation of a great experience. And, I will reach out to at least one person.

 

More ways to close the loneliness gap:

 

1. A Slow Start Is Still a Start: The “Sink or Swim” motto is not for me when it comes to starting something new. I’d rather start in the shallow end, build trust, acclimate to the temperature, and then enter the deep gracefully. Therefore, any movement forward is movement in the right direction. 

  • Visit the place you want to experience fellowship. The coffee house, bakery, art gallery, church, hikes, dog parks …acclimate yourself to their surroundings until you are able to trust your environment with others.
  •  
  • 2.  Accept the uncomfortable: There is no comfortable way out of a comfort zone.  It’s best to be honest about what you’re feeling, with yourself and with another.

  • (With yourself) This is awkward – I’ll keep going until it’s not.
  • (With another) I feel out-of-place – do you have advice?
  • (With another) Was this hard for you too? – Why or why not?

3:  Ask better questions:  Instead of talking about weather, sports, or politics – Ask questions that cause more thought than a quick response. These are called “open questions” and they sound like this:

  • Why do you feel that way?
  • Tell me more about your hobby.
  • What would you do in my shoes?
  • How would you solve this problem?

 

Friend, I’m with you.  I too experience loneliness.  Often times the places I feel the loneliest are in places where numbers run high, and sometimes, in a room with those I know.  In a crowded room it’s hard to be seen and where there are many voices it’s hard to be heard. Feelings of loneliness are a result of listening to the thoughts that tell us to remain safe and not risk being rejected or hurt.

 

Questions only you can answer:

  • What is it you’re desiring (conversation, friendships, mentoring)? By pin-pointing the desire, you’ll become more aware of seeking out opportunities. 
  • If you had the fellowship you desired, where would you want it to take place? Start finding places to invite people to.
  • What can you do to close the gap between loneliness and connection?
  • How can you gain trust in the areas you desire connection (start small with the bigger picture in mind)?

 

Was this helpful for you? Share it with another!

Let me know in the comments what actions you’re taking to overcome loneliness? 

Cheering for you!

The following quotes are linked to books I’ve personally enjoyed! As an Amazon Associate I earn from qualifying purchases, at no added cost to you. Thank you for supporting my writing!

For the Overthinker – How to get off the pendulum of shifting moods

“I know how moody you and I can be. One day we feel great, the next we feel miserable.  One day we are full of new ideas, the next everything looks bleak and dull.  One day we think can take on the whole world, but the next even a little request seems too much for us.” . . . “When we are thrown up and down by the little waves on the surface of our existence, we become easy victims of our manipulative world, but, when we continue to hear the deep gentle voice that blesses us, we can walk through life with a stable sense of well-being and true belonging.” – Henri Nouwen, Life of the Beloved

 

His words resonate with me, especially when it comes to making a decision. Oh, how I hate the feeling of mood swings – one day I’m all on board with something, the next I’m shrinking away from my ideas or excitement I previously felt. How about you?  Are you a sufferer of mood swings?

 

I’m not talking about hormonal disruptions, those moments when waves of rage or sadness hit with intensity (thank you, estrogen, you are a force to reckon with). Even hormonal waves of emotional crazy seem minor compared to the mood swings that cause you to question the things (at one point of time) you felt very sure of.

 

Are you an overthinker?

  • You often times have repetitive, unproductive thought.
  • Your thinking often times stops you from making decisions.
  • Often times you find yourself feeling anxiousness and worry.

 

If you’re the type who weighs the risk to the extent of overthinking – Welcome, I feel you. I understand your process of overthinking. One day you’re all in, and the next you’re all out … then comes procrastination, because being sure feels too risky. The mood swing isn’t a flip of a switch (like hormones), it’s an oversized pendulum swing that hangs from your heart, and its movement is controlling your peace, confidence, and surety.

 

Here are few things you can do when your overthinking brain swings fully into a change of mood.

 

Ask yourself: Are my thoughts factual, can I prove them to be true?

A common saying in cognitive-behavioral therapy (CBT) is, “Thoughts are not facts.” It is important to remember this because thoughts that we have about ourselves, our past, and our future can feel like facts. The truth is, the thoughts you’re having are not provable otherwise your brain would have settled on the fact and moved on. Therefore, take any ruminating thought you’re having and see if you can prove it’s truth.

 

Side note: Your brain is continuously searching for ways to support your thought.  For example, have you ever not liked someone? … soon enough everything that person does or says will be a rub to you.  Your brain will come up with, and be constantly alert to all the ways that person can get on your nerves. Same goes for your assumptious thoughts. Your brain will look for ways to support your beliefs.

 

Try Problem Solving Directives

Take your thoughts and give them a directive.  This is an active approach in problem solving. For example, “I’m scared I’ll be a bad mom.” –  take the thought and direct it toward a solution. Talk to other moms whom you admire or appreciate and vocalize your concern. Other thoughts such as, “I’m too lazy.” “I’ll never make enough money.” “There’s not enough time in the day.” … all of these can be solved by thought directives.

  • Lazy? – write down what you do and what you want to change.
  • Not enough money? – get your budget on paper, where is the spending going and what you need to do to improve the situation.
  • No time? – Track your schedule, where are you losing time to activities not serving you.

Grab the thought problem – Analyze it – Give it a solution – Move forward

 

Get Wisdom

For the one who feels their overthinking is drowning their once great idea … here is where I’d like to stand with you.  Will you read this, slowly? …

“Wisdom is the principal thing; therefore, get wisdom. And in all your getting, get understanding . . . Take firm hold of instruction, do not let go; keep her, for she is your life.” Proverbs 4:7 &13

Your overthinking that leads to moodiness is an indication of the importance and value you give … please don’t consider that to be a bad thing.  In all your overthinking, you’re actually searching for the best-case scenario, the one that feels less risky.  However, you’ll struggle to find it in your thoughts because we’re too familiar with knowing pain.

 

So what do you do? – You get wisdom, understanding, and instruction.  You go to the Word and look for His peace that stills and steadies your heart.  You reach out to trusted sources for advice and mentorship, those will speak truth and warn you of dangers.  You move forward slowly, at your pace, because your lack of faith does not nullify God’s involvement in your life.  

 

For those who experience moodiness from overthinking – you’re not alone, there are ways to detach the pendulum from your heart. Remember, Jesus’ love that includes wisdom and understanding is never moody – it’s your strong and steady.

 

Today – pray and release the outcome to the only One who holds the future.

Reach out to a trusted friend and share your thoughts.

Remember, your brain will support what you tell it. Be sure to tell it the truth.

If this encouraged you, share it with another! 

Five ways to move forward when you feel stuck

We sat sipping coffee as the locals rode by on bikes, our downtown coffee house was teeming with toddler smiles and parents grabbing a quick bean pick-me-up.  As our conversation spanned in all directions, it was a relief and a stand-still-moment to hear my friend say … “We all struggle with getting stuck, it’s normal.” 

I’d like to pause to her words . . .

 

My friend is a professional therapist. This is a woman who can pick apart behaviors, deep dive into one’s motives, and help steer perspectives back to reality … and even she gets stuck from time to time!

Y’all, it’s normal.

 

This is a relief because that means many people have struggled and have overcome their moments of feeling stuck – there is hope for us.

There is hope when we feel we’re going nowhere.

Hope in the wrestling of wanting more yet struggle to see how.

Hope for those who feel boredom and urgency all at once.

And hope for those who are stuck in a gear that is running themselves to a breaking point.

♥♥♥

If you’re feeling a little stuck, here are some ways to help you move forward, see some hope, and step toward your goals.  Most importantly, these are ways to sink in closer to God, lean toward His voice, and move according to His Spirit.  When your ways have run their course, when you’ve exhausted your ideas and know-how’s … sometimes, God allows us to feel stuck so we may reach for Him.

 

“And he made from one man every nation of mankind to live on all the face of the earth, having determined allotted periods and the boundaries of their dwelling place, that they should seek God, and perhaps feel their way toward him and find him. Yet he is actually not far from each one of us,” Acts:17:26, 27

 

  1. Settle into scripture. Listen, there are distractions everywhere – and those distractions look like social feeds. Where there are lots of options and new materials being presented – for a creative type (or any type) this is a gateway to Distractionville.  New knowledge makes one feel as if they’re moving forward, however one must examine the materials being digested. Get into your good’ol paper bible, bring your highlighter and spend some time in 1 John. It’s a short yet mighty read.  By doing this you’ll be recalibrating your nervous system and belief system for the good.

 

  1. Listen to Scripture. I have a new app that I love.  It’s called her.BIBLE and it’s read by multicultural women.  There are no devotionals, no videos, no social feed … just the Word, and it’s lovely.  I listen while I’m laying by the pool, in my car, or taking a walk. The women reading do not sound robotic nor boring and it gives the bible a fresh yet familiar sound.

 

  1. Meet with someone doing what you desire. Remember my therapist friend?  Even though we’re friends and have coffee together from time to time – she is also a person I can consult with my own career objectives because we have a similar vein of expertise.  Meeting with someone that has gone through, or is going through what you’re walking into – is invaluable.

 

  1. Be inwardly listening. I’ve had countless coffee dates with women who simply needed an ear to listen and a voice to help articulate what they were feeling.  Every time I’ve left these dates, my heart has soared … and most times I’ve thought, if only I could get paid to do that!  Are there “dates” or activities you’ve experienced that feel incredibly purposeful, fulfilling, or wishful?

Lean into those moments and create space to do more of them. When ideas arise, step into them.

 

  1. Move at a pace that feels challenging and controllable. Everyday I take my dog for a walk – Our distance depends on the balance between the challenge and the control. Being pulled and yanked around by a Bulladore for miles causes me to give up the walk quickly.  However, the more control I have over my ‘muscular meatball’ leads to a much more pleasant challenge of walking three to four miles together.  To move out of feeling stuck – give yourself a challenge that is at a controllable pace. 

 

It’s normal to feel stuck or uncertain as to how to move forward – the good news is that what your feeling, others have passed through those feelings too.  Be encouraged, there are footprints to follow and advice to be heard.

 

“The steps of a man are established by the Lord, when he delights in his way;” Proverbs 37:23 … actually, read all of Psalm 37 (it’s so encouraging) 

 

Need a little more help? – I love this book by Emily P. Freeman, The Next Right Thing (As an Amazon Associate I earn from qualifying purchases at no cost to you.)

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Blessings to you!

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