Category: Mind

Closing the Gap Between Loneliness and Connection (with understanding and tools)

In a Harvard Study, post-covid research showed that one in three people suffer from loneliness.  In fact, as the numbers keep coming in, that one is rising. When you’re in a room of many, almost half the people you’re surrounded with are in some way experiencing loneliness – they’re enduring ongoing feelings of isolation and a longing to love and be loved.

 

If you’re lonely, you’re not alone.

 

Loneliness is not something you experience from your outside environment, rather it’s an internal view of your understanding to outside stimuli. This is why, in a room of many people one can feel very alone. 

 

My goal in this article is to give you understanding and tools to move you out of loneliness and into fellowship. In order to do that you will have to be honest with yourself.  Loneliness is an internal struggle; the good news is that God has given us His Spirit to lead us out and into freedom – if we’re honest with ourselves.

 

For the word of God is living and active, sharper than any two-edged sword, piercing to the division of soul and of spirit, of joints and of marrow, and discerning the thoughts and intentions of the heart. Hebrews 4:12

 

You were created with an intrinsic need to belong.  Therefore, the desire to be with others, connected, and experience belonging is normal and good!  It’s healthy!  It’s the way God made it.  In Genesis 2:18, God said, “It is not good for man to be alone.” He then made Eve.  Even God Himself is a triune God, there is fellowship within the parameters of God, Jesus, and Holy Spirit (Gen. 1:26).

 

Loneliness was never the intent of creation.  

 

In the book of Hebrews, Paul gives us a lesson in how to avoid loneliness … “consider how to stir one another to love and good works.”  Loneliness causes you to look at yourself instead of another.  Your thoughts then turn to negativity and make assumptions … no one likes me, I’m alone, I don’t fit in, they don’t want me, there’s something wrong with me. 

 

This is why Paul says “consider” – he is telling us to direct our thoughts toward another and away from ourselves.  What you focus on, (or “consider”) you will draw near to you. As you focus on encouraging another, you will draw near to fellowship.

 

And let us consider how to stir up one another to love and good works, not neglecting to meet together, as is the habit of some, but encouraging one another, and all the more as you see the day drawing near. Hebrews 10:24

 

The day I reached out to an online mom group about the lonely feelings that come after a child moves out.

Loneliness is a result of an unwillingness to be vulnerable.

 

Vulnerability is risky to your heart. The risk? … rejection.  Rejection is to your heart, as getting burned is to your nervous system.  When you touch something scorching hot, you’ll involuntarily pull away quickly – it’s your nervous system protecting you.  Much like a burn we’ve all experienced being rejected at some point in our lives – where there is risk, your brain will tell you to stay safe, and stay away.

 

Therefore, the only way to overcome loneliness is to allow yourself to be vulnerable in the spaces you crave connection.

 

Remember: Loneliness begets loneliness – vulnerability begets vulnerability

 

There are three types of loneliness as explained in a Harvard Study called “The Loneliness Pandemic.”

“Social phycologist defines loneliness as the gap between the social connections you would like to have and those you feel you experience.”  You can close that gap by the measure of vulnerability you’re willing to give.

1. Psychological or interpersonal loneliness –

Gap: Do I have a friend? Do I have someone I can tell my troubles to? I feel alone.

Closing the gap: Have I reached out to another, nurtured a connection, or initiated a meet-up date?

2. Existential loneliness –

Gap: Do I fit into the universe? I feel my life has no meaning, purpose, weight, value, or mission.

Closing the gap: Talking to God in prayer with sincerity and in your own words, attending a church or home group that instructs from the Word of God – connecting with a spiritual mentor.

3. Societal loneliness-  

Gap: If I enter a room, is my arrival both anticipated and welcomed? What if I’m rejected, ignored, or left alone?  No one sees me.

Closing the gap: I will enter the room with a focus on my posture and expression being one of gladness, acceptance, and anticipation of a great experience. And, I will reach out to at least one person.

 

More ways to close the loneliness gap:

 

1. A Slow Start Is Still a Start: The “Sink or Swim” motto is not for me when it comes to starting something new. I’d rather start in the shallow end, build trust, acclimate to the temperature, and then enter the deep gracefully. Therefore, any movement forward is movement in the right direction. 

  • Visit the place you want to experience fellowship. The coffee house, bakery, art gallery, church, hikes, dog parks …acclimate yourself to their surroundings until you are able to trust your environment with others.
  •  
  • 2.  Accept the uncomfortable: There is no comfortable way out of a comfort zone.  It’s best to be honest about what you’re feeling, with yourself and with another.

  • (With yourself) This is awkward – I’ll keep going until it’s not.
  • (With another) I feel out-of-place – do you have advice?
  • (With another) Was this hard for you too? – Why or why not?

3:  Ask better questions:  Instead of talking about weather, sports, or politics – Ask questions that cause more thought than a quick response. These are called “open questions” and they sound like this:

  • Why do you feel that way?
  • Tell me more about your hobby.
  • What would you do in my shoes?
  • How would you solve this problem?

 

Friend, I’m with you.  I too experience loneliness.  Often times the places I feel the loneliest are in places where numbers run high, and sometimes, in a room with those I know.  In a crowded room it’s hard to be seen and where there are many voices it’s hard to be heard. Feelings of loneliness are a result of listening to the thoughts that tell us to remain safe and not risk being rejected or hurt.

 

Questions only you can answer:

  • What is it you’re desiring (conversation, friendships, mentoring)? By pin-pointing the desire, you’ll become more aware of seeking out opportunities. 
  • If you had the fellowship you desired, where would you want it to take place? Start finding places to invite people to.
  • What can you do to close the gap between loneliness and connection?
  • How can you gain trust in the areas you desire connection (start small with the bigger picture in mind)?

 

Was this helpful for you? Share it with another!

Let me know in the comments what actions you’re taking to overcome loneliness? 

Cheering for you!

The following quotes are linked to books I’ve personally enjoyed! As an Amazon Associate I earn from qualifying purchases, at no added cost to you. Thank you for supporting my writing!

For the Overthinker – How to get off the pendulum of shifting moods

“I know how moody you and I can be. One day we feel great, the next we feel miserable.  One day we are full of new ideas, the next everything looks bleak and dull.  One day we think can take on the whole world, but the next even a little request seems too much for us.” . . . “When we are thrown up and down by the little waves on the surface of our existence, we become easy victims of our manipulative world, but, when we continue to hear the deep gentle voice that blesses us, we can walk through life with a stable sense of well-being and true belonging.” – Henri Nouwen, Life of the Beloved

 

His words resonate with me, especially when it comes to making a decision. Oh, how I hate the feeling of mood swings – one day I’m all on board with something, the next I’m shrinking away from my ideas or excitement I previously felt. How about you?  Are you a sufferer of mood swings?

 

I’m not talking about hormonal disruptions, those moments when waves of rage or sadness hit with intensity (thank you, estrogen, you are a force to reckon with). Even hormonal waves of emotional crazy seem minor compared to the mood swings that cause you to question the things (at one point of time) you felt very sure of.

 

Are you an overthinker?

  • You often times have repetitive, unproductive thought.
  • Your thinking often times stops you from making decisions.
  • Often times you find yourself feeling anxiousness and worry.

 

If you’re the type who weighs the risk to the extent of overthinking – Welcome, I feel you. I understand your process of overthinking. One day you’re all in, and the next you’re all out … then comes procrastination, because being sure feels too risky. The mood swing isn’t a flip of a switch (like hormones), it’s an oversized pendulum swing that hangs from your heart, and its movement is controlling your peace, confidence, and surety.

 

Here are few things you can do when your overthinking brain swings fully into a change of mood.

 

Ask yourself: Are my thoughts factual, can I prove them to be true?

A common saying in cognitive-behavioral therapy (CBT) is, “Thoughts are not facts.” It is important to remember this because thoughts that we have about ourselves, our past, and our future can feel like facts. The truth is, the thoughts you’re having are not provable otherwise your brain would have settled on the fact and moved on. Therefore, take any ruminating thought you’re having and see if you can prove it’s truth.

 

Side note: Your brain is continuously searching for ways to support your thought.  For example, have you ever not liked someone? … soon enough everything that person does or says will be a rub to you.  Your brain will come up with, and be constantly alert to all the ways that person can get on your nerves. Same goes for your assumptious thoughts. Your brain will look for ways to support your beliefs.

 

Try Problem Solving Directives

Take your thoughts and give them a directive.  This is an active approach in problem solving. For example, “I’m scared I’ll be a bad mom.” –  take the thought and direct it toward a solution. Talk to other moms whom you admire or appreciate and vocalize your concern. Other thoughts such as, “I’m too lazy.” “I’ll never make enough money.” “There’s not enough time in the day.” … all of these can be solved by thought directives.

  • Lazy? – write down what you do and what you want to change.
  • Not enough money? – get your budget on paper, where is the spending going and what you need to do to improve the situation.
  • No time? – Track your schedule, where are you losing time to activities not serving you.

Grab the thought problem – Analyze it – Give it a solution – Move forward

 

Get Wisdom

For the one who feels their overthinking is drowning their once great idea … here is where I’d like to stand with you.  Will you read this, slowly? …

“Wisdom is the principal thing; therefore, get wisdom. And in all your getting, get understanding . . . Take firm hold of instruction, do not let go; keep her, for she is your life.” Proverbs 4:7 &13

Your overthinking that leads to moodiness is an indication of the importance and value you give … please don’t consider that to be a bad thing.  In all your overthinking, you’re actually searching for the best-case scenario, the one that feels less risky.  However, you’ll struggle to find it in your thoughts because we’re too familiar with knowing pain.

 

So what do you do? – You get wisdom, understanding, and instruction.  You go to the Word and look for His peace that stills and steadies your heart.  You reach out to trusted sources for advice and mentorship, those will speak truth and warn you of dangers.  You move forward slowly, at your pace, because your lack of faith does not nullify God’s involvement in your life.  

 

For those who experience moodiness from overthinking – you’re not alone, there are ways to detach the pendulum from your heart. Remember, Jesus’ love that includes wisdom and understanding is never moody – it’s your strong and steady.

 

Today – pray and release the outcome to the only One who holds the future.

Reach out to a trusted friend and share your thoughts.

Remember, your brain will support what you tell it. Be sure to tell it the truth.

If this encouraged you, share it with another! 

Five ways to move forward when you feel stuck

We sat sipping coffee as the locals rode by on bikes, our downtown coffee house was teeming with toddler smiles and parents grabbing a quick bean pick-me-up.  As our conversation spanned in all directions, it was a relief and a stand-still-moment to hear my friend say … “We all struggle with getting stuck, it’s normal.” 

I’d like to pause to her words . . .

 

My friend is a professional therapist. This is a woman who can pick apart behaviors, deep dive into one’s motives, and help steer perspectives back to reality … and even she gets stuck from time to time!

Y’all, it’s normal.

 

This is a relief because that means many people have struggled and have overcome their moments of feeling stuck – there is hope for us.

There is hope when we feel we’re going nowhere.

Hope in the wrestling of wanting more yet struggle to see how.

Hope for those who feel boredom and urgency all at once.

And hope for those who are stuck in a gear that is running themselves to a breaking point.

♥♥♥

If you’re feeling a little stuck, here are some ways to help you move forward, see some hope, and step toward your goals.  Most importantly, these are ways to sink in closer to God, lean toward His voice, and move according to His Spirit.  When your ways have run their course, when you’ve exhausted your ideas and know-how’s … sometimes, God allows us to feel stuck so we may reach for Him.

 

“And he made from one man every nation of mankind to live on all the face of the earth, having determined allotted periods and the boundaries of their dwelling place, that they should seek God, and perhaps feel their way toward him and find him. Yet he is actually not far from each one of us,” Acts:17:26, 27

 

  1. Settle into scripture. Listen, there are distractions everywhere – and those distractions look like social feeds. Where there are lots of options and new materials being presented – for a creative type (or any type) this is a gateway to Distractionville.  New knowledge makes one feel as if they’re moving forward, however one must examine the materials being digested. Get into your good’ol paper bible, bring your highlighter and spend some time in 1 John. It’s a short yet mighty read.  By doing this you’ll be recalibrating your nervous system and belief system for the good.

 

  1. Listen to Scripture. I have a new app that I love.  It’s called her.BIBLE and it’s read by multicultural women.  There are no devotionals, no videos, no social feed … just the Word, and it’s lovely.  I listen while I’m laying by the pool, in my car, or taking a walk. The women reading do not sound robotic nor boring and it gives the bible a fresh yet familiar sound.

 

  1. Meet with someone doing what you desire. Remember my therapist friend?  Even though we’re friends and have coffee together from time to time – she is also a person I can consult with my own career objectives because we have a similar vein of expertise.  Meeting with someone that has gone through, or is going through what you’re walking into – is invaluable.

 

  1. Be inwardly listening. I’ve had countless coffee dates with women who simply needed an ear to listen and a voice to help articulate what they were feeling.  Every time I’ve left these dates, my heart has soared … and most times I’ve thought, if only I could get paid to do that!  Are there “dates” or activities you’ve experienced that feel incredibly purposeful, fulfilling, or wishful?

Lean into those moments and create space to do more of them. When ideas arise, step into them.

 

  1. Move at a pace that feels challenging and controllable. Everyday I take my dog for a walk – Our distance depends on the balance between the challenge and the control. Being pulled and yanked around by a Bulladore for miles causes me to give up the walk quickly.  However, the more control I have over my ‘muscular meatball’ leads to a much more pleasant challenge of walking three to four miles together.  To move out of feeling stuck – give yourself a challenge that is at a controllable pace. 

 

It’s normal to feel stuck or uncertain as to how to move forward – the good news is that what your feeling, others have passed through those feelings too.  Be encouraged, there are footprints to follow and advice to be heard.

 

“The steps of a man are established by the Lord, when he delights in his way;” Proverbs 37:23 … actually, read all of Psalm 37 (it’s so encouraging) 

 

Need a little more help? – I love this book by Emily P. Freeman, The Next Right Thing (As an Amazon Associate I earn from qualifying purchases at no cost to you.)

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Blessings to you!

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How to be healthy when your body is in pain

I wish pain wasn’t a universal language. Have a conversation with anyone regarding your physical pain and you’ll see people nodding along or adding their own story of how pain influenced their life.  Pain is common – yet having a healthy perspective of it, is not.

I have a chronic condition that I still hate to admit. In some ways (maybe you can relate), admitting pain feels weak … it feels permanent and hopeless.  To my pride, pain lures me into a cage fight where my will, and the pain I feel will battle to a bloody end. The days when my will over powers pain, are days when I’m short tempered, hostile, depressed, and slow moving.  I’ve never lived one of those days feeling like I’m truly living … rather, coping, limping, surviving.  Those are days where my strong-will weakened my perspective of what it is to be cared for by a tender-hearted God. 

There are ways to be healthy in the midst of pain. I truly hope you grab on to some of these as means to see with hope, direction, and allow Jesus to walk with you in the midst of pain.

 
Communion

The communion I offer to you is not orchestrated by the elaborations of religion. It’s within this sacred and personal space that savoring His sacrifice of love recalibrates your perspective. When I take communion, it’s a humble act where my pain and my will is given over to the empowerment of Christs’ love for me.  In moments when I needed Jesus to be closer to me than the pain, I found His closeness through communion.

Friend, pain is not the absence of His love. Rather, His companionship can be known in your pain.

Galatians 2:20 

Taking communion allows you to see with a healthy perspective – one of hope and security, knowing you’re not alone rather you are found, seen, heard, and given access to know Jesus’ companionship in an empowering way.

 
Listen and obey your body cues.

I remind myself often of this quote by Ann Voscamp, “Life is not an emergency.” For those with chronic pain, we tend to believe we’re behind, behind in our work and in our life.  We have viewed our pain as the hinderance that has caused us to lose out, and to some degree, maybe so. It seems that while everyone else is gaining, we’re losing. This perspective causes us to see the present as a waste of time, as pain being a waste of our precious time. The mindset that pain should be ignored – pressed through – is demanding our body live in a state of constant emergency.

What if the pain that has you halted, is time spent for your healing? For some, backing away from stressful situations, people, or too many obligations you’ve acquired – may bring the physical healing you need. For me, yes to all of the above mentioned and, surrendering to the halting and missing out moments that pain has brought, has also brought an awareness to what my body needs to heal.

  • Your body needs less stress.
  • Your body needs rest and joyful movement.
  • Your body needs mercy, grace, and nourishment.
  • Your body needs you to set boundaries.
  • Your body needs you to commune with God.

For those with chronic pain, knowing and respecting your limits is not weakness, it’s honoring the body God gave you.

 

Reframe your pain

Instead of viewing your pain as a hardship you’ve not overcome – view your pain from the lens of another.  What would you say to your close friend going through what you have?  Would you tell them they’re failing, not keeping up, not trying hard enough? … no.  You’d tell them you see their strength; you see their willingness to show up, you see that the struggle is hard and to be gentle with themselves … you’d offer tenderness and understanding.  You’d tell your friend how you admire their courage and how they’ve inspired you.

When I look back over the years of my own story of chronic pain – I see Jesus. I see days when the pain felt like it had swallowed me whole, yet Jesus’ companionship helped me navigate doctors and medicines. His gentle presence helped me speak softly to my children and be merciful to my body.

 

Pain speaks a language of despair and hopelessness, it’s a language too many are sadly fluent in. However, pain is an indication of what wants to live – in health!  If you suffer from chronic pain, you can have a healthy mind and heart. The pain you experience does not define you as a person, you are not the pain – you are a living testimony of the goodness of God.  When that becomes your perspective, health is obtained.     

Cheering for you,

How to look good in a bathing suit

The dreaded bathing suit shopping season is upon us.  The excitement of getting away has given you reason to stuff your winter, pasty self into the equivalent of a tropical flowered undergarment for all to see.  There should be a support group for these shopping trips – women of the same age shopping together and speaking loveliness over the one sighing deeply in the next changing room.  As much as we could all rant about our youthful appearance surrendered to life and age – let’s not engage in taking our blessings and viewing them as our blemishes.

  • Your body reflects the love you birthed and the love you sacrificed for.
  • Your body wants to live, be strong, and carry you well.
  • Your body has been through a lot – trauma, surgery, indulgences, sicknesses … and continues to give you devoted repair.
  • Your body receives what you give it and does its best to give back what you desire.

Why is it, we can know all this about our body yet we’ll still wish away or condemn its shape, size, and ability?  Have we lost sight of the fact that our body is part of creation and part of God’s design?  And with that, part of the fall of mankind?

Loving our body is an internal work. 

  • It’s looking away where comparison entices you to peek.
  • It’s giving grace to transition. 
  • It’s being honest about its ability – knowing when to push and when to relent.
  • It’s recognizing it’s need for continuous nurturing.

If you want to know how to look good in a bathing suit, here are my suggestions …

Stop watching the eyes of others to see if they’re watching you … focus on your relaxation, fun, or people you’re with.

Be comfortable … if your bathing suit has you sucking it in, pulling it out, tucking it back in, or questioning your ability to move, you bought the wrong one.

Nourish your body well … please, please, please stop starving yourself. Eat for nourishment. Eat when your stomach asks to be fed.  You wouldn’t starve your child, or deny them because they reached their daily calories … nurture and nourish yourself the same way.   

Attract eyes to your smile … anything that draws attention away from your face, will leave you feeling unseen and too examined at same time.  You’ll always have people who will look you up and down; they’re comparing themselves or making a judgement, try to let it go.

Listen, looking good in a bathing suit or anything else is yours to behold.  You decide what looks good, feels good, and makes you confident.  Why give that power to someone who has never been in your body or experienced what you’ve gone through? 

Bless those with the ideal hour-glass shape, and bless those who don’t conform to the ever-demanding cultural ideals … and, bless those who are struggling with it all. 

Outward beauty is a very small and diminishing percentage of what makes a woman a woman – Beauty is knit into your DNA.

You’re a fighter and a victor.

You’ve received and you’ve given – life, love, and the ability to withstand the pain they often bring.

You’ve lived through great times and bad – and never stopped moving forward.

You’ve expanded, shrunk, and expanded again – your body is alive and speaking to you through every phase of life.

You instinctively know how to nurture another, whether it be with an ear or a hand – your body has shown up to give.

 

Friend, you’re not in your twenties anymore and for some us the thirties and forties are behind us too – let’s live like we’re loved, like we’re seen, like we’re nurtured in ways that only our heart can give to our body.

Buy the suit that makes you feel … like the best of you.

If you need some ideas to help you get started in caring for yourself (heart, soul, and body), check out this post. Cared-for Ideas

 

Here’s to accepting and loving the sunny days ahead!

Let’s stay connected!