Author: Meagan

Healing Your Childhood Through Marriage

If only we could go back in time and rescue our little selves from the pain we endured.  When we were little, we had no idea the extent of our wounds.  I’ve witnessed a child wail over a scrapped knee while another simply whimpered with a broken arm. Physical wounds can be seen, cleaned, and bandaged to bring healing … what about the emotional wounds a child endures?  Maybe you were that child who endured great heart wounding few to none saw.  A child cannot prove they’re wounded without the evidence of blood or bruising. In fact, many times the wounding doesn’t present itself until much later in life.

For some adults, the wounding of their childhood was never given way to healing.  Time has simply created massive scars that tear and bleed out when agitated. However, there is a beautiful mystery at work within Christ-centered relationships that bring healing to those childhood wounds.

The inner child in a marriage

Somewhere in my young-bride-mind, I believed that when I said ‘I do‘ I’d be leaving behind the wounding of my childhood … I was wrong.  The night my husband lifted me over the threshold, he also lifted the weight of my previously wounded heart. 

Perhaps you too thought that adulthood would wipe away the past? – That once you were in control of your life, stepped out on your own, or departed from those that hurt you, life would be safe and victorious. No longer would you have to endure pain, appease another or surrender your needs. And, perhaps adulthood has given you all that, yet, there are times when words or actions from someone you love hurts deep into those previous scars, agitates them, and causes them to open … and you do what you did as a child – you step into a survival mode that looks like shutting down, disconnecting, fighting, or ignoring.

Advise for the spouse (neither are without scars)

It takes discernment to see when an argument is more about a wound than the problem at hand.  When a wound is agitated there will be indications such as how a child would react – instead of rational problem solving and active listening, there will be exaggerated reactions. And, those exaggerated reactions can be quiet (hiding, reclusiveness, shutting down) or exploding (outbursts, yelling, blaming, demanding, victimizing). Ultimately the Fight, Flight, or Freeze nervous system response is activated due to previous learned behavior that taught your spouse how to survive emotional difficulty as a child.

If you see this happening, here is what you can do …

    • Speak tender and secure words. Think of how you would calm a stressed child … you wouldn’t raise your voice or shut them out, you’d comfort them and remind them of your love and security.  

    • Gentle touch. Physical touch releases Oxytocin (the feel-good hormone).

    • Remind him/her that you’re not going to leave. Stay with them until they’re calm.

    • Keep the problem the problem. Never make them feel as though they’re the problem.

    • Ask your spouse – Do you need comfort or solutions?

Every person’s pain is unique to the individual and deserves validation and examination to bring an awareness of why they react the way they do and how you can demonstrate to them the love they needed and didn’t receive.

Healing wounds takes time and repetitive loving action. The good news is that every time there is a healthy and loving ending to conflict, a new neuron is established and new brain pathways are created.  This means that healing the mind and heart are underway.

From childhood to adulthood in marriage

In a healthy relationship between a child and parent – the child will grow to no longer need the parent to be their source.  Through the growing years the parent slowly transfers their parent-hood over to God so the child may experience “Father-hood” from God.  This is when the parent becomes better known as the brother or sister in Christ to their adult child. They both recognize their complete need and dependency on their Savior.  As well, in a healthy relationship there will naturally be an ongoing connection, however the adult child must rely on Father God to lead, and nurture their maturity in Christ.

In a marriage this too must happen.  When a spouse is in need of emotional healing, or when there was a scar left by past trauma – it is good for the other spouse to see the need, act in healthy accordance to the need, and pray with the spouse in need.  By doing this you’re demonstrating and surrendering the need to Father God and looking to Him to lead you both. 

This way you and your spouse will learn to …

    • Love beyond survival mode.

    • Create a safe and secure foundation that withholds against the enemy’s attacks.

For this reason (and many more) marriage works, marriage saves, and marriage is designed by our Creator to bring healing and wholeness to His Bride.  Where previous brokenness happened through relationships, God knit into us a need for belonging. This need presses us toward one another, causes attraction, and allows us to be healed when healthy and biblical action is given.

I challenge you to examine your heart’s attitude and posture when arguments with your spouse happen.  What are you really reacting to? 

    • Are you fighting to be seen, heard, valued, understood?

    • Does a problem engage your Fight, Flight, or Freeze nervous system response (this is a BIG indicator)?

    • Or, do your reactions feel like past pain? Meaning – if your spouse reveals a problem, do you feel rejected or not good enough?

 

Marriage is simple, we are complex.  However, there is hope and healing where vulnerability and honesty are met with grace and love.  This repetitious act will strengthen and solidify your relationship for longevity and maturity.  Simply recognizing a feeling that is connected to the past is a great start to healing a childhood wound.

Let us be reminded of this, “… be quick to hear, slow to speak, slow to anger;” James 1:19. Not only with our spouse, with ourselves as well.  Listen intently to your thoughts – they will direct your emotions – and your emotions will direct your behavior (reactions).  When you practice this awareness, you’re giving your mind and heart a chance to heal and become healthy, whole, and capable of living lighter without the weight of previous wounds.

Check out the Free Resources page for more marriage helps!

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How to be healthy when your body is in pain

I wish pain wasn’t a universal language. Have a conversation with anyone regarding your physical pain and you’ll see people nodding along or adding their own story of how pain influenced their life.  Pain is common – yet having a healthy perspective of it, is not.

I have a chronic condition that I still hate to admit. In some ways (maybe you can relate), admitting pain feels weak … it feels permanent and hopeless.  To my pride, pain lures me into a cage fight where my will, and the pain I feel will battle to a bloody end. The days when my will over powers pain, are days when I’m short tempered, hostile, depressed, and slow moving.  I’ve never lived one of those days feeling like I’m truly living … rather, coping, limping, surviving.  Those are days where my strong-will weakened my perspective of what it is to be cared for by a tender-hearted God. 

There are ways to be healthy in the midst of pain. I truly hope you grab on to some of these as means to see with hope, direction, and allow Jesus to walk with you in the midst of pain.

 
Communion

The communion I offer to you is not orchestrated by the elaborations of religion. It’s within this sacred and personal space that savoring His sacrifice of love recalibrates your perspective. When I take communion, it’s a humble act where my pain and my will is given over to the empowerment of Christs’ love for me.  In moments when I needed Jesus to be closer to me than the pain, I found His closeness through communion.

Friend, pain is not the absence of His love. Rather, His companionship can be known in your pain.

Galatians 2:20 

Taking communion allows you to see with a healthy perspective – one of hope and security, knowing you’re not alone rather you are found, seen, heard, and given access to know Jesus’ companionship in an empowering way.

 
Listen and obey your body cues.

I remind myself often of this quote by Ann Voscamp, “Life is not an emergency.” For those with chronic pain, we tend to believe we’re behind, behind in our work and in our life.  We have viewed our pain as the hinderance that has caused us to lose out, and to some degree, maybe so. It seems that while everyone else is gaining, we’re losing. This perspective causes us to see the present as a waste of time, as pain being a waste of our precious time. The mindset that pain should be ignored – pressed through – is demanding our body live in a state of constant emergency.

What if the pain that has you halted, is time spent for your healing? For some, backing away from stressful situations, people, or too many obligations you’ve acquired – may bring the physical healing you need. For me, yes to all of the above mentioned and, surrendering to the halting and missing out moments that pain has brought, has also brought an awareness to what my body needs to heal.

  • Your body needs less stress.
  • Your body needs rest and joyful movement.
  • Your body needs mercy, grace, and nourishment.
  • Your body needs you to set boundaries.
  • Your body needs you to commune with God.

For those with chronic pain, knowing and respecting your limits is not weakness, it’s honoring the body God gave you.

 

Reframe your pain

Instead of viewing your pain as a hardship you’ve not overcome – view your pain from the lens of another.  What would you say to your close friend going through what you have?  Would you tell them they’re failing, not keeping up, not trying hard enough? … no.  You’d tell them you see their strength; you see their willingness to show up, you see that the struggle is hard and to be gentle with themselves … you’d offer tenderness and understanding.  You’d tell your friend how you admire their courage and how they’ve inspired you.

When I look back over the years of my own story of chronic pain – I see Jesus. I see days when the pain felt like it had swallowed me whole, yet Jesus’ companionship helped me navigate doctors and medicines. His gentle presence helped me speak softly to my children and be merciful to my body.

 

Pain speaks a language of despair and hopelessness, it’s a language too many are sadly fluent in. However, pain is an indication of what wants to live – in health!  If you suffer from chronic pain, you can have a healthy mind and heart. The pain you experience does not define you as a person, you are not the pain – you are a living testimony of the goodness of God.  When that becomes your perspective, health is obtained.     

Cheering for you,

How to look good in a bathing suit

The dreaded bathing suit shopping season is upon us.  The excitement of getting away has given you reason to stuff your winter, pasty self into the equivalent of a tropical flowered undergarment for all to see.  There should be a support group for these shopping trips – women of the same age shopping together and speaking loveliness over the one sighing deeply in the next changing room.  As much as we could all rant about our youthful appearance surrendered to life and age – let’s not engage in taking our blessings and viewing them as our blemishes.

  • Your body reflects the love you birthed and the love you sacrificed for.
  • Your body wants to live, be strong, and carry you well.
  • Your body has been through a lot – trauma, surgery, indulgences, sicknesses … and continues to give you devoted repair.
  • Your body receives what you give it and does its best to give back what you desire.

Why is it, we can know all this about our body yet we’ll still wish away or condemn its shape, size, and ability?  Have we lost sight of the fact that our body is part of creation and part of God’s design?  And with that, part of the fall of mankind?

Loving our body is an internal work. 

  • It’s looking away where comparison entices you to peek.
  • It’s giving grace to transition. 
  • It’s being honest about its ability – knowing when to push and when to relent.
  • It’s recognizing it’s need for continuous nurturing.

If you want to know how to look good in a bathing suit, here are my suggestions …

Stop watching the eyes of others to see if they’re watching you … focus on your relaxation, fun, or people you’re with.

Be comfortable … if your bathing suit has you sucking it in, pulling it out, tucking it back in, or questioning your ability to move, you bought the wrong one.

Nourish your body well … please, please, please stop starving yourself. Eat for nourishment. Eat when your stomach asks to be fed.  You wouldn’t starve your child, or deny them because they reached their daily calories … nurture and nourish yourself the same way.   

Attract eyes to your smile … anything that draws attention away from your face, will leave you feeling unseen and too examined at same time.  You’ll always have people who will look you up and down; they’re comparing themselves or making a judgement, try to let it go.

Listen, looking good in a bathing suit or anything else is yours to behold.  You decide what looks good, feels good, and makes you confident.  Why give that power to someone who has never been in your body or experienced what you’ve gone through? 

Bless those with the ideal hour-glass shape, and bless those who don’t conform to the ever-demanding cultural ideals … and, bless those who are struggling with it all. 

Outward beauty is a very small and diminishing percentage of what makes a woman a woman – Beauty is knit into your DNA.

You’re a fighter and a victor.

You’ve received and you’ve given – life, love, and the ability to withstand the pain they often bring.

You’ve lived through great times and bad – and never stopped moving forward.

You’ve expanded, shrunk, and expanded again – your body is alive and speaking to you through every phase of life.

You instinctively know how to nurture another, whether it be with an ear or a hand – your body has shown up to give.

 

Friend, you’re not in your twenties anymore and for some us the thirties and forties are behind us too – let’s live like we’re loved, like we’re seen, like we’re nurtured in ways that only our heart can give to our body.

Buy the suit that makes you feel … like the best of you.

If you need some ideas to help you get started in caring for yourself (heart, soul, and body), check out this post. Cared-for Ideas

 

Here’s to accepting and loving the sunny days ahead!

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How to live after the death of doing hard things

It feels like death, my throat closes as oxygen is forced through a narrow opening.  My stomach rises and falls as surges of liquid adrenaline is released into my bloodstream … nausea, cold sweats, and heart palpitations are felt as my brain gets flooded with chemicals that stop all rational thought.  I may even burst out in tears as fears, worries, and injustice’s fill my mind. These thoughts crush my peace and I search frantically to make sense or bring them to a navigable and peaceful conclusion.

 

When you’re in the midst of doing a hard thing, it feels like you’re pressing into death.

 

Hard Things.

Pressing through past trauma, setting healthy boundaries, burying loved ones, walking away from abuse, watching as your child leaves home, losing a job, or getting a phone call that changed the way of life as you knew it … this life has too many hard things. Hard moments, hard realizations, hard outcomes, and in turn can impose a hardening of one’s heart.  

 

How do we live when we feel like death is taking over our health, our family, our finances … our peace?

 

Friend, as hard as this is to accept … you must not resist death, rather allow it to flow over you. Acknowledge the parts that feel like they’re dying (dreams, seasons, memories, your story).  We can hold fast to the promise that where there is death, there is new life. 

 

A page from my journal, when God revealed the how-to …

The woods felt moist on this winter warming day.  I left tracks of cracked ice as the frozen, puddled trail lead me through the forest. Well packed deer trails intercepted mine and I wondered where they lead? Curiosity in me wants to follow them, maybe stumble upon some wonderful wooded surprise. 

Looking for surprises was not what led me to the woods … my heart was heavy with having to do a hard thing.  I stopped at a tree covered with grey/blue fungus and began to unpack the weight … “I’m tired of doing hard things, Jesus. I’m tired of dying” … memories flood my mind as I recall being alone while pressing through past hard things … “Why am I always alone?” … because one day I will stand before Jesus alone, and after dying hundreds of  deaths, there is an odd confidence in death, or rather, confident that Jesus gives new life from death.

“Jesus, how do I live through hard things?”

As I was in this honest moment with the Lord, my dog kicked up a deer … my dog ran past me gasping for air, nose focused on the jumping deer.  Watching him from a distance I tried to refocus my thoughts … “As I was saying, Lord, how …”  The startled deer turned and ran toward me with my dog in pursuit.  Feeling frustrated with this scene, I shouted the command “LEAVE IT!"  He stopped, then my dog turned and walked to me.

In that moment, an awareness to the scene washed over me - this is the way to survive death. You must leave it.

 

The way to survive death is to leave the death behind.

 

How many times have you kicked up memories, re-read emails and text messages?  Chased people for attention or validation?  Or stuck your nose to the ground of whatever next-best, self-help, name-it-claim-it sermon or program that assured happiness, enlightenment, or freedom from all the things that cause you stress?

 

We live by leaving the hard thing behind us.  Leaving it is the only way you can begin to live; newly live with perspective of new hope and new life.  When we leave death behind, we walk toward the resurrected God …

 

I’m always in awe at how quickly the disciples followed Jesus.  In some ways Jesus said, “Leave it” when he petitioned them to “Follow Him” … the disciples left behind family and a life they expected.  They left their home, their identity, wealth, responsibilities, and I’m sure so many more details we fail to see from our perspective.

 

I pray you hear God call out to you, “Leave it!”  Leave the pain, the heartache, the self-condemnation – leave the burden, the weight, the expectations … leave the hard thing behind you and keep walking toward Jesus.  

 

A prayer to help guide you …

“Jesus, thank you for Your resurrected life in me. Thank you that in You, I live and have my identity. Teach me, instruct me, and guide me in all my ways … help me to leave behind the hard things, the places where I felt death or caused another to feel death.  Remind me of Your love, a love that calls out to me and brings me back to Your side.”

 

Keep following after Jesus,

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Some bright ideas for dark days

Where I live, we’ve had one sunny day so far.  One.  One day where there were no clouds in the sky and those lemony rays felt like life to us wilted people.  In my opinion life’s tasks should have to comply to the Circadian Rythm.  Which states (in my words) that the amount of sun we get should reflect the amount of work we’re required to give … wouldn’t that be nice! 😏 

 

If you’re feeling a little wilted as well, I’ve got ideas to lift your mood, lift your heart, and perhaps lift your booty, too?

 

The FitOn app

(stop, I know you’re already wanting to scroll – keep reading)

Folks, I hate working out. I’d rather be running back and forth on the tennis court or hiking a mountain … but standing in the same room with weights and machines, for me that spells b-o-r-i-n-g.  Even though this app is still all about getting that pump in – it’s enjoyable (or, accountable) when you have another doing it with you.  You can choose the amount of time you want to work out and there are lots of free options.  If you’ve slowed way down … sitting in a car, sitting at a desk, sitting on the couch … even a little movement helps lighten the weight of darkness.  Give credit to our endorphins or simply feel like you’re not wasting away – just give it a try, your body will thank you (afterwards, certainly not during).

 

Join a Bible Study

There everywhere!  For me, I’ve just finished reading Good Boundaries and Goodbye’s by Lysa Terkeurst, and I cannot begin to express how needed and timely this book was.  Besides the the bible, this too is a book I want to wear – I want the lessons given to be something I can easily remind myself and instruct another in.  If you’re working on some self-care, this book is a must.  

If you’d don’t have time to read – you have time to listen!  Audio books while driving doing laundry or dishes can be a huge way to remain encouraged, learn something, or be creatively entertained.

 

Be a Cozy Minimalist

There is something about a clutter free, organized space that brings me joy!  I love to see what I need and nothing more.  For these dark days, I’m finding some lighthearted activity in cleaning out closets, filing cabinets, and anything else that I feel is too heavy with burden.  Perhaps organizing doesn’t bring you joy – don’t let that stop you from creating a space that does!   

“Clutter smothers. Simplicity breathes.” Terry Guillemetes

Declutter

Take it one space at a time and ask yourself these questions:

  • It is serving an immediate purpose?
  • Will I be needing this in the very near future?
  • Is the physical space worth more than the space this item is taking up?

“Organization isn’t about perfection. It’s about efficiency, reducing stress & clutter, saving time and money, and improving your overall quality of life.” Christina Scalise

 

Do small things well

With these darker days our energy source feels drained.  With that in mind I purposefully lessen my work load.  Less calendar events and less schooling activity.  However, less can be a place to deepen focus.  For instance, our homeschool looks like less daily subjects, yet focusing on doing well the task at hand.   We work to write well, communicate well, finish well, help each other well – while keeping a smaller work load.

This is a discipline of slowing down to see what areas are being overlooked or quickly passed by.

What about doing small things well from a professional view – what are you doing quickly that could use some attention?  For instance, are you communicating well, responding to compliments or disagreements well?  Are you finishing the day well with a smile or an encouragement for another?  Sometimes these dark days leave us feeling robotic – remember to be kind to yourself.  When doing so, we’re more apt to be kind to another.

 

“And he made from one man every nation of mankind to live on all the face of the earth, having determined allotted periods and the boundaries of their dwelling place, that they should seek God, and perhaps feel their way toward him and find him. Yet he is actually not far from each one of us,” Acts 17: 26, 27

 

  • What if these dark days are for us to feel God near?

  • What if these dark days are to experience God in the mundane of our routines?

  • And what if these dark days are to deepen our understanding of God’s love for us?

 

I miss the sun, those lemony rays warming my skin and heart … but … God is closer than the sun, God is closer than the warmth and energy it gives.  He reveals himself when we choose to love ourselves with discipline and compassion – He illuminates our path when we walk slowly and listen.  Be encouraged, these days are passing by – don’t miss out on the deepening work this can season bring.

 

Keep giving His light and love,

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