Healing Your Childhood Through Marriage

For some adults, the wounding of their childhood was never given way to healing.  Time has simply created massive scars that tear and bleed out when agitated. However, there is a beautiful mystery at work within Christ-centered relationships that bring healing to those childhood wounds.

The inner child in a marriage

Somewhere in my young-bride-mind, I believed that when I said ‘I do‘ I’d be leaving behind the wounding of my childhood … I was wrong.  The night my husband lifted me over the threshold, he also lifted the weight of my previously wounded heart. 

Perhaps you too thought that adulthood would wipe away the past? – That once you were in control of your life, stepped out on your own, or departed from those that hurt you, life would be safe and victorious. No longer would you have to endure pain, appease another or surrender your needs. And, perhaps adulthood has given you all that, yet, there are times when words or actions from someone you love hurts deep into those previous scars, agitates them, and causes them to open … and you do what you did as a child – you step into a survival mode that looks like shutting down, disconnecting, fighting, or ignoring.

Advise for the spouse (neither are without scars)

It takes discernment to see when an argument is more about a wound than the problem at hand.  When a wound is agitated there will be indications such as how a child would react – instead of rational problem solving and active listening, there will be exaggerated reactions. And, those exaggerated reactions can be quiet (hiding, reclusiveness, shutting down) or exploding (outbursts, yelling, blaming, demanding, victimizing). Ultimately the Fight, Flight, or Freeze nervous system response is activated due to previous learned behavior that taught your spouse how to survive emotional difficulty as a child.

If you see this happening, here is what you can do …

• • Speak tender and secure words. Think of how you would calm a stressed child … you wouldn’t raise your voice or shut them out, you’d comfort them and remind them of your love and security.  

• • Gentle touch. Physical touch releases Oxytocin (the feel-good hormone).

• • Remind him/her that you’re not going to leave. Stay with them until they’re calm.

• • Keep the problem the problem. Never make them feel as though they’re the problem.

• • Ask your spouse – Do you need comfort or solutions?

Every person’s pain is unique to the individual and deserves validation and examination to bring an awareness of why they react the way they do and how you can demonstrate to them the love they needed and didn’t receive.

Healing wounds takes time and repetitive loving action. The good news is that every time there is a healthy and loving ending to conflict, a new neuron is established and new brain pathways are created.  This means that healing the mind and heart are underway.

From childhood to adulthood in marriage

In a healthy relationship between a child and parent – the child will grow to no longer need the parent to be their source.  Through the growing years the parent slowly transfers their parent-hood over to God so the child may experience “Father-hood” from God.  This is when the parent becomes better known as the brother or sister in Christ to their adult child. They both recognize their complete need and dependency on their Savior.  As well, in a healthy relationship there will naturally be an ongoing connection, however the adult child must rely on Father God to lead, and nurture their maturity in Christ.

In a marriage this too must happen.  When a spouse is in need of emotional healing, or when there was a scar left by past trauma – it is good for the other spouse to see the need, act in healthy accordance to the need, and pray with the spouse in need.  By doing this you’re demonstrating and surrendering the need to Father God and looking to Him to lead you both. 

This way you and your spouse will learn to …

• • Love beyond survival mode.

• • Not expect perfection, rather honor each other’s humanness and need for your Savior and Leader (Jesus).

• • Lift each other up and be an active participant in the three-chord strand.

• • Create a safe and secure foundation that withholds against the enemy’s attacks.

For this reason (and many more) marriage works, marriage saves, and marriage is designed by our Creator to bring healing and wholeness to His Bride.  Where previous brokenness happened through relationships, God knit into us a need for belonging. This need presses us toward one another, causes attraction, and allows us to be healed when healthy and biblical action is given.

I challenge you to examine your heart’s attitude and posture when arguments with your spouse happen.  What are you really reacting to? 

• • Are you fighting to be seen, heard, valued, understood?

• • Does a problem engage your Fight, Flight, or Freeze nervous system response (this is a BIG indicator)?

• • Or, do your reactions feel like past pain? Meaning – if your spouse reveals a problem, do you feel rejected or not good enough?

 

Marriage is simple, we are complex.  However, there is hope and healing where vulnerability and honesty are met with grace and love.  This repetitious act will strengthen and solidify your relationship for longevity and maturity.  Simply recognizing a feeling that is connected to the past is a great start to healing a childhood wound.

Let us be reminded of this, “… be quick to hear, slow to speak, slow to anger;” James 1:19. Not only with our spouse, with ourselves as well.  Listen intently to your thoughts – they will direct your emotions – and your emotions will direct your behavior (reactions).  When you practice this awareness, you’re giving your mind and heart a chance to heal and become healthy, whole, and capable of living lighter without the weight of previous wounds.