Mind Archives - Page 3 of 4

Is your need for validation holding you back?

We all crave validation. Validation is a natural and human need we all have.

To validate means to confirm, support, or recognize something. When other people validate what we do and believe, we feel encouraged and get a sense of belonging that other people think and act like us.

Being validated by another empowers our sense of self-worth – we feel important, needed, and accepted.

What happens if the validation we crave isn’t given?

If you crave validation and you’re not given it – you’ll begin to question your work, your abilities, and or, your judgement. This will lead you toward feelings of rejection, fear of failure, being unqualified, it may cripple your confidence and lead to anxiety over being judged by another. Or you may begin to be self-critical of yourself.

Those thoughts will lead to behaviors such as risk avoidance, shyness, insecurity, unassertiveness, procrastination – or the opposite, striving to prove yourself or over working tendencies.

Is the need for validation stopping you? If so, read and ponder the next line …

The need for validation gives the opinion of another more power than your own acceptance of yourself.

Empower a healthy opinion of yourself – then you’ll see validation as a byproduct of enjoying and growing in who you are and what you offer.

When unhealthy thoughts, emotions, or behaviors try to sneak in … take captive the thought (as previously taught). Replace the unhealthy narrative with a healthy one –

“I am loved and accepted by Christ. For this reason, I can give myself room to grow, learn, and accept my failures and victories with a perspective of acceptance of myself.”

Guiding scriptures: 2 Corinthians 13:5, 1 Corinthians 4:3, Galatians 6:4, Psalm 139

Cheering you on!

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How to move forward when fear of uncertainty is holding you back

If your perception is skewed by fear of uncertainty, you often times equate change to discomfort. You dislike the idea of being out of control of your future, and this fear leaves you feeling insecure.

Your thoughts then trigger an emotional response and ultimately trigger your nervous system – a consequence that can be felt in your body such as stomach aches, headaches, tight muscles, exhaustion (to name a few).

Fear of Uncertainty will give you a low frustration tolerance, self-pity and a “poor me” attitude, depression, hopelessness, and or – anxiety. That will then affect your behavior by causing procrastination, avoidance, or overindulgences in “feel good” behaviors (e.g., food indulgences, alcohol, drugs, unnecessary shopping, anything used as quick fix used as a distraction).

Here’s how to move forward in-spite of the fear of uncertainty.

Name the fears – write them down, say them out loud, just call them out. When you identify what your thinking, you’re taking captive the thoughts.

Then, change the narrative. – Such as, “It is natural for life conditions to not be ideal or perfect. It’s okay if situations do not exist the way I would prefer because I am capable of finding solutions to problems and making changes that bring me happiness and opportunity regardless of the situation happening around me.

Lastly, define your truth.

I am in control over what is happening internally; my thoughts, emotions, and behavior are subject to my leading.
It’s not the situation that makes me uncomfortable, it’s the fear of no control over the outcome.
When something I don’t like happens, I will change what I can. If I can’t change it, then I will take action by identifying what is or could be good about it, how I can get around it, or what I can learn from it.

Fear of Uncertainty is a place where growth can and will happen if given healthy alternatives instead of negative thinking. As you start associating uncertainty and change with something positive that can lead you into spiritual and emotional growth, or help you further achieve a dream or desire … then you’ll begin to see uncertainty as a natural part of life in which fear and irrational thoughts aren’t guiding you – healthy thoughts that lead to positive emotions and behaviors will be your guide through the unexpected terrain of life.

Guiding scriptures:

2 Corinthians 10:5 – Proverbs 3:6 – – Hebrews 13:20-21 – James 1:5 – Micah 6:8

Cheering you on,

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Release the Burden of Heavy Thoughts, using REBT

Have you ever read a book or taken a class and realized the information received is something you’re already practicing? Or applying in your life? That’s what happened when I took my REBT Life Coach certification training program. If you’re a deep thinker or someone who is very honest with their feelings – then you too are probably already practicing this. However, if you’re a person who has a hard time breaking away from destructive thoughts and emotions and they seem to have a repeat pattern in your life … then you will benefit from REBT.

Our thoughts play a big part in how we feel and what we do. And unlike some approaches that tell you to “think positive” or “radiate positive energy” mingled with “laws of attraction” … REBT is different. It’s practical, it’s rational, it’s for the person who desires a clear and controllable path to health.

R: rational, deconstructing the irrational thoughts

E: emotive, emotions are affected by irrational thoughts

B: behavioral, how a person feels is how they will react to what they are thinking

T: therapy/teaching, training techniques that can be learned

Let me give you a personal example of what this looks like …

As someone who lives with a chronic condition, daily life and future plans can feel unattainable and depressing. Meaning, I can feel defeated or overcome before the task or day presents itself. Why? Because my thoughts will tell me that I’ll probably be in pain … that I’ll be left behind and forgotten about … that my family is lacking because of me … that there is no escape, no help, and no solution.

This is the irrational thinking that engages my emotions and leads me to behave depressed, reclusive, and hesitant to experience joy in planning or preparing for future endeavors.

How do we (I) break free from the irrational thoughts (mind-set)? My way is slightly different from the textbook – it always supplies the truth when I am honest with myself.

Applying the R: Rational

Identifying my present thoughts that are evoking my emotions – then, injecting truth.

I feel broken … the truth is, Jesus is bigger than my pain

I feel left behind … the truth is, I must live in the today, not the past nor the future – therefore I must think upon what is content-full for today.

I feel defeated … the truth is, this is temporary and God will provide in all I need.

This is an example of Paul saying in 2 Corinthians, “Take captive every thought and make it obedient to Christ.”

E: Emotive

My emotions are now engaged and fueled with healthy thoughts. I look around at the present – my bed is comfortable, a hot shower feels nice, I send a “thinking of you & love you” text to my kids, I feel gentle and humble, content, and hopeful … when our thoughts are healthy our behavior follows.

B: Behavior

When healthy and rational thoughts are steering our emotions, our behavior is manageable. We are not speaking to cause guilt/shame/blame, we are not having angry outburst or sudden eruptive behavior. When our thoughts are infusing emotions with health, our behavior feels safe to ourselves and to others.

What you do with your thoughts is not involuntary – your emotions are not controlling you – and your behavior is teachable.

By changing our thoughts, we change our behavior … because instead of evoking unhealthy emotional reactions, we send healthy and rational strength to our behaviors.

The thing you’re struggling with, wouldn’t it feel good to be free of it? To release the burden of heavy thoughts that lead to heavier feelings? Often times it’s not our tasks that wear us down and deplete our strength … it’s the thoughts we carry that weaken us.

Our struggles are as unique as our fingerprint and as common as having a hand … you are not alone with the struggle (or irrational thoughts) you’re having. And here’s the other thing … there is nothing new under the sun. No teaching is new – no technique has been discovered that God didn’t already know about. In His Word and in relationship, there is clarity and understanding for those who apply it. Application may look differently but the substance is the same. God has given us full control over our thoughts, emotions, and behavior … and when we submit all those to Him, He gives us health in abundance.

If you’d like to have more application to REBT or connect further, join my email list. From there you’ll be able to reply to my emails with questions or personal input. My goal is to further offer tools and revelations as to how to identify and break free from mindsets that are weighing you down.

Keep walking in His freedom,

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Choices – help for those making them, and those affected by them

How often do we stand at a decision-making moment only to feel overwhelmed and scared? For me, it feels like I’m standing in the middle of a seven-lane highway during rush hour. The trucks, cars and semis are my various size thoughts that revolve around my choice – some carry more weight than others – some are erratic and steer wildly – some take up more space and I can’t see past them. In those moments of needing to choose I feel overwhelmed. Relate?

Then there are the choices made by others that affect us. Choices our parents made – choices our children make – choices made by those we’ve come to love. When their choice hurts or harms us, it feels like an injustice has been done. Our heart yelps, it’s not fair, I didn’t choose this! Or, we feel frustrated, if only they’d have chosen differently! Keep reading, friend, I will address this too.

Choices, the one’s we make, and the one’s we didn’t … how do we navigate them?

For the analytical type, there are some strategies that help when making a decision. Such as asking yourself questions like these:

What is the probable outcome of the choice I’m about to make?
What outcomes are highly unlikely?
What are the likely outcomes of not choosing this one?
What would be the outcome of doing the exact opposite?

For the emotionally driven type – Sakichi Toyoda, the founder of Toyota came up with a “Why” driven approach to problem solving. When needing to make a decision, ask yourself “why” five times (or more) until the question leads you to the root cause of the choice you’re about to make.

Example: Why do I want a dog?

Why? – Because I want a companion to hike/walk with.

Why? – Because moving my body and being in nature will help me.

Why? – Because I’ve been through a hard season of motherhood.

Why? – And my heart feels broken, fragmented … in need of love and dedication without tension.

Why? – So, I can heal.

Two years ago, those were my why’s. The last why was the root of my choice – I wanted a dog because I felt a dog would help me heal. This approach can feel abstract; however, it can lead you down some insightful trails of why you do what you do – or, are choosing to do what you do.

Lastly, for those choices we didn’t make that affect us deeply, recognize who holds the responsibility for the choice. It’s not you, it’s them. Often times, when a choice is made that is near to us, we unknowingly assume responsibility for it. This happens because we deeply love the person who is responsible for the choice made. We don’t want to see them suffer or feel pain – we hurt for them, are scared for them, and we get irritated because we know there could have been a better outcome had they’d chosen differently.

In every choice we are impacted with, know this, God is able to meet us in our choice. There is no boundary, obstacle, or choice rendered that God is not able to cross into. None. For that reason, we hope in Him. Submit your choice to Jesus, allow Him in to your deciding place … listen and watch.

Psalm 139: 7-12 (MSG says it best)

Let your choice be a place of faith – where hope and trust hold hands into the next step.

Blessings,

Real talk for the forty and fifty year old women

It’s not me, it’s the perimenopause – if you’re at the age of uttering those words, let’s talk. As if life wasn’t constantly throwing enough emotional and physical challenges, let’s throw in some inactive and overactive hormones just to shake off the last bit of a woman’s sanity! I’ve recently read a great book on the subject, however one thing the book couldn’t give was community.

For these next brief moments, let’s relate to each other instead of trying to fix or compare. Maybe you need to hear there is a woman out there going through the same hormonal shift you are? Maybe hearing a few of my struggles will help ease you through yours? Yes, the community of perimenopausal women are a shifting group … a sweaty, mood swinging, and achy bunch of women who are balancing (along with children, work, and home) a sputtering and glitchen endocrine system.

Let’s talk …

If I sit, I sleep

Even my richest coffee bean isn’t enough to fuel my motives anymore. Late afternoon naps have become a thing now – laying in bed with a 90’s sitcom, yes please. For the woman whose spent decades raising, chasing, and releasing children, or getting up at the crack of dawn to earn the paycheck – let me tell you, you’ve earned the right to nap. Please do.

Give yourself grace to try different medicine

I’ve always had hesitation with pharmaceuticals, in my opinion I’d rather fix the problem than get a band-aid solution. After a decade of chronic migraines, perimenopause has given way to more migraines (ugh). It was time to try the medical helps I would never have considered before. If you’re struggling with pain, do yourself good … pray, research, then release your options to God and move forward with the helps. If you’re like me and want to try natural routes first, I highly recommend this book, Hormone Repair Manual: Every Woman’s Guide to Healthy Hormones After 40

Diet dilemmas – Eat this – Never eat that – Eat when you’re hungry, but never before bed

We’ve been conditioned to believe our body must look a certain way to be healthy or beautiful and in order to get the perfect body, we must eat the perfect way … my metabolism isn’t getting the cultural memo – Hey metabolism, wake up! Listening to our body and giving it food rich with minerals, vitamins and proteins is the best thing we can do. If that means I’m eating a chicken thigh with guac and salsa at 10 pm – so be it! If that means I roll through a drive through once a week for a cinnamon roll – damn it, we’re allowed to enjoy a sweet treat! Enjoy healthful food – and by all means have a carb and nourish the body that has been faithful to you.

Just give us comfort in the form of stretchy-soft material.

Remember The Golden Girls? Most nights they sat around a kitchen table eating cheesecake while their tunic style night gowns covered the belly rolls. Oh the comfort! Today we call it Boho … more fabric, less sinch and I’m all for it! And if you think this fashion sense isn’t sexy – think again.

And while we’re talking sexy …

Feeling desirable is a state of mind – not a response from another. A woman who carries herself with confidence and wisdom, a woman who has overcome challenges in life and remains humble, forgiving, teachable, and tender … she is attractive at a soul level. Our jeans may be getting snug but may our heart be ever expanding – amen.

Friend, I hope you know what a treasure you are. I hope you know that shifting hormones do not define you or your state of mind right now. I hope you compare yourself less to the world’s standard and step confidently into the grace of God … who knows our heart and is blessing us with age. Let’s just take a moment to acknowledge where we are, have a laugh, and keep moving forward.

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