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Healing Your Childhood Through Marriage

If only we could go back in time and rescue our little selves from the pain we endured.  When we were little, we had no idea the extent of our wounds.  I’ve witnessed a child wail over a scrapped knee while another simply whimpered with a broken arm. Physical wounds can be seen, cleaned, and bandaged to bring healing … what about the emotional wounds a child endures?  Maybe you were that child who endured great heart wounding few to none saw.  A child cannot prove they’re wounded without the evidence of blood or bruising. In fact, many times the wounding doesn’t present itself until much later in life.

For some adults, the wounding of their childhood was never given way to healing.  Time has simply created massive scars that tear and bleed out when agitated. However, there is a beautiful mystery at work within Christ-centered relationships that bring healing to those childhood wounds.

The inner child in a marriage

Somewhere in my young-bride-mind, I believed that when I said ‘I do‘ I’d be leaving behind the wounding of my childhood … I was wrong.  The night my husband lifted me over the threshold, he also lifted the weight of my previously wounded heart. 

Perhaps you too thought that adulthood would wipe away the past? – That once you were in control of your life, stepped out on your own, or departed from those that hurt you, life would be safe and victorious. No longer would you have to endure pain, appease another or surrender your needs. And, perhaps adulthood has given you all that, yet, there are times when words or actions from someone you love hurts deep into those previous scars, agitates them, and causes them to open … and you do what you did as a child – you step into a survival mode that looks like shutting down, disconnecting, fighting, or ignoring.

Advise for the spouse (neither are without scars)

It takes discernment to see when an argument is more about a wound than the problem at hand.  When a wound is agitated there will be indications such as how a child would react – instead of rational problem solving and active listening, there will be exaggerated reactions. And, those exaggerated reactions can be quiet (hiding, reclusiveness, shutting down) or exploding (outbursts, yelling, blaming, demanding, victimizing). Ultimately the Fight, Flight, or Freeze nervous system response is activated due to previous learned behavior that taught your spouse how to survive emotional difficulty as a child.

If you see this happening, here is what you can do …

    • Speak tender and secure words. Think of how you would calm a stressed child … you wouldn’t raise your voice or shut them out, you’d comfort them and remind them of your love and security.  

    • Gentle touch. Physical touch releases Oxytocin (the feel-good hormone).

    • Remind him/her that you’re not going to leave. Stay with them until they’re calm.

    • Keep the problem the problem. Never make them feel as though they’re the problem.

    • Ask your spouse – Do you need comfort or solutions?

Every person’s pain is unique to the individual and deserves validation and examination to bring an awareness of why they react the way they do and how you can demonstrate to them the love they needed and didn’t receive.

Healing wounds takes time and repetitive loving action. The good news is that every time there is a healthy and loving ending to conflict, a new neuron is established and new brain pathways are created.  This means that healing the mind and heart are underway.

From childhood to adulthood in marriage

In a healthy relationship between a child and parent – the child will grow to no longer need the parent to be their source.  Through the growing years the parent slowly transfers their parent-hood over to God so the child may experience “Father-hood” from God.  This is when the parent becomes better known as the brother or sister in Christ to their adult child. They both recognize their complete need and dependency on their Savior.  As well, in a healthy relationship there will naturally be an ongoing connection, however the adult child must rely on Father God to lead, and nurture their maturity in Christ.

In a marriage this too must happen.  When a spouse is in need of emotional healing, or when there was a scar left by past trauma – it is good for the other spouse to see the need, act in healthy accordance to the need, and pray with the spouse in need.  By doing this you’re demonstrating and surrendering the need to Father God and looking to Him to lead you both. 

This way you and your spouse will learn to …

    • Love beyond survival mode.

    • Create a safe and secure foundation that withholds against the enemy’s attacks.

For this reason (and many more) marriage works, marriage saves, and marriage is designed by our Creator to bring healing and wholeness to His Bride.  Where previous brokenness happened through relationships, God knit into us a need for belonging. This need presses us toward one another, causes attraction, and allows us to be healed when healthy and biblical action is given.

I challenge you to examine your heart’s attitude and posture when arguments with your spouse happen.  What are you really reacting to? 

    • Are you fighting to be seen, heard, valued, understood?

    • Does a problem engage your Fight, Flight, or Freeze nervous system response (this is a BIG indicator)?

    • Or, do your reactions feel like past pain? Meaning – if your spouse reveals a problem, do you feel rejected or not good enough?

 

Marriage is simple, we are complex.  However, there is hope and healing where vulnerability and honesty are met with grace and love.  This repetitious act will strengthen and solidify your relationship for longevity and maturity.  Simply recognizing a feeling that is connected to the past is a great start to healing a childhood wound.

Let us be reminded of this, “… be quick to hear, slow to speak, slow to anger;” James 1:19. Not only with our spouse, with ourselves as well.  Listen intently to your thoughts – they will direct your emotions – and your emotions will direct your behavior (reactions).  When you practice this awareness, you’re giving your mind and heart a chance to heal and become healthy, whole, and capable of living lighter without the weight of previous wounds.

Check out the Free Resources page for more marriage helps!

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How to be healthy when your body is in pain

I wish pain wasn’t a universal language. Have a conversation with anyone regarding your physical pain and you’ll see people nodding along or adding their own story of how pain influenced their life.  Pain is common – yet having a healthy perspective of it, is not.

I have a chronic condition that I still hate to admit. In some ways (maybe you can relate), admitting pain feels weak … it feels permanent and hopeless.  To my pride, pain lures me into a cage fight where my will, and the pain I feel will battle to a bloody end. The days when my will over powers pain, are days when I’m short tempered, hostile, depressed, and slow moving.  I’ve never lived one of those days feeling like I’m truly living … rather, coping, limping, surviving.  Those are days where my strong-will weakened my perspective of what it is to be cared for by a tender-hearted God. 

There are ways to be healthy in the midst of pain. I truly hope you grab on to some of these as means to see with hope, direction, and allow Jesus to walk with you in the midst of pain.

 
Communion

The communion I offer to you is not orchestrated by the elaborations of religion. It’s within this sacred and personal space that savoring His sacrifice of love recalibrates your perspective. When I take communion, it’s a humble act where my pain and my will is given over to the empowerment of Christs’ love for me.  In moments when I needed Jesus to be closer to me than the pain, I found His closeness through communion.

Friend, pain is not the absence of His love. Rather, His companionship can be known in your pain.

Galatians 2:20 

Taking communion allows you to see with a healthy perspective – one of hope and security, knowing you’re not alone rather you are found, seen, heard, and given access to know Jesus’ companionship in an empowering way.

 
Listen and obey your body cues.

I remind myself often of this quote by Ann Voscamp, “Life is not an emergency.” For those with chronic pain, we tend to believe we’re behind, behind in our work and in our life.  We have viewed our pain as the hinderance that has caused us to lose out, and to some degree, maybe so. It seems that while everyone else is gaining, we’re losing. This perspective causes us to see the present as a waste of time, as pain being a waste of our precious time. The mindset that pain should be ignored – pressed through – is demanding our body live in a state of constant emergency.

What if the pain that has you halted, is time spent for your healing? For some, backing away from stressful situations, people, or too many obligations you’ve acquired – may bring the physical healing you need. For me, yes to all of the above mentioned and, surrendering to the halting and missing out moments that pain has brought, has also brought an awareness to what my body needs to heal.

  • Your body needs less stress.
  • Your body needs rest and joyful movement.
  • Your body needs mercy, grace, and nourishment.
  • Your body needs you to set boundaries.
  • Your body needs you to commune with God.

For those with chronic pain, knowing and respecting your limits is not weakness, it’s honoring the body God gave you.

 

Reframe your pain

Instead of viewing your pain as a hardship you’ve not overcome – view your pain from the lens of another.  What would you say to your close friend going through what you have?  Would you tell them they’re failing, not keeping up, not trying hard enough? … no.  You’d tell them you see their strength; you see their willingness to show up, you see that the struggle is hard and to be gentle with themselves … you’d offer tenderness and understanding.  You’d tell your friend how you admire their courage and how they’ve inspired you.

When I look back over the years of my own story of chronic pain – I see Jesus. I see days when the pain felt like it had swallowed me whole, yet Jesus’ companionship helped me navigate doctors and medicines. His gentle presence helped me speak softly to my children and be merciful to my body.

 

Pain speaks a language of despair and hopelessness, it’s a language too many are sadly fluent in. However, pain is an indication of what wants to live – in health!  If you suffer from chronic pain, you can have a healthy mind and heart. The pain you experience does not define you as a person, you are not the pain – you are a living testimony of the goodness of God.  When that becomes your perspective, health is obtained.     

Cheering for you,

How to look good in a bathing suit

The dreaded bathing suit shopping season is upon us.  The excitement of getting away has given you reason to stuff your winter, pasty self into the equivalent of a tropical flowered undergarment for all to see.  There should be a support group for these shopping trips – women of the same age shopping together and speaking loveliness over the one sighing deeply in the next changing room.  As much as we could all rant about our youthful appearance surrendered to life and age – let’s not engage in taking our blessings and viewing them as our blemishes.

  • Your body reflects the love you birthed and the love you sacrificed for.
  • Your body wants to live, be strong, and carry you well.
  • Your body has been through a lot – trauma, surgery, indulgences, sicknesses … and continues to give you devoted repair.
  • Your body receives what you give it and does its best to give back what you desire.

Why is it, we can know all this about our body yet we’ll still wish away or condemn its shape, size, and ability?  Have we lost sight of the fact that our body is part of creation and part of God’s design?  And with that, part of the fall of mankind?

Loving our body is an internal work. 

  • It’s looking away where comparison entices you to peek.
  • It’s giving grace to transition. 
  • It’s being honest about its ability – knowing when to push and when to relent.
  • It’s recognizing it’s need for continuous nurturing.

If you want to know how to look good in a bathing suit, here are my suggestions …

Stop watching the eyes of others to see if they’re watching you … focus on your relaxation, fun, or people you’re with.

Be comfortable … if your bathing suit has you sucking it in, pulling it out, tucking it back in, or questioning your ability to move, you bought the wrong one.

Nourish your body well … please, please, please stop starving yourself. Eat for nourishment. Eat when your stomach asks to be fed.  You wouldn’t starve your child, or deny them because they reached their daily calories … nurture and nourish yourself the same way.   

Attract eyes to your smile … anything that draws attention away from your face, will leave you feeling unseen and too examined at same time.  You’ll always have people who will look you up and down; they’re comparing themselves or making a judgement, try to let it go.

Listen, looking good in a bathing suit or anything else is yours to behold.  You decide what looks good, feels good, and makes you confident.  Why give that power to someone who has never been in your body or experienced what you’ve gone through? 

Bless those with the ideal hour-glass shape, and bless those who don’t conform to the ever-demanding cultural ideals … and, bless those who are struggling with it all. 

Outward beauty is a very small and diminishing percentage of what makes a woman a woman – Beauty is knit into your DNA.

You’re a fighter and a victor.

You’ve received and you’ve given – life, love, and the ability to withstand the pain they often bring.

You’ve lived through great times and bad – and never stopped moving forward.

You’ve expanded, shrunk, and expanded again – your body is alive and speaking to you through every phase of life.

You instinctively know how to nurture another, whether it be with an ear or a hand – your body has shown up to give.

 

Friend, you’re not in your twenties anymore and for some us the thirties and forties are behind us too – let’s live like we’re loved, like we’re seen, like we’re nurtured in ways that only our heart can give to our body.

Buy the suit that makes you feel … like the best of you.

If you need some ideas to help you get started in caring for yourself (heart, soul, and body), check out this post. Cared-for Ideas

 

Here’s to accepting and loving the sunny days ahead!

Let’s stay connected!