How many times have we asked them to try a new sport, engage in a class, or embark on an exciting opportunity only to get a timid or panicked response? Very rarely will they leave their small friend group, the group they feel most comfortable around. If this sounds familiar then we’re walking a similar path – we have a reluctant child. Our struggle as parents is finding the balance of giving them new opportunities and new perspectives without losing their confidence in our ability to protect them, keep them from harm, and lead them with love and understanding. We get worried our child is missing out, or mentally checking out!
Can we talk about us for minute? I was raised among a generation of piers who believed in the term “no pain, no gain.” Another term I heard growing up was, “It’s a long way from the heart.” Meaning, if the wound wasn’t directly killing you, then you’re fine … walk it off and certainly do not complain about it. Do you even know a Baby Boomer who doesn’t, in some way, act like pain is just a way of life and kind of wears it as a badge of honor? “When I was your age . . . ” 🙄
In those instances growing up where we felt tremendous pressure, mental anguish, and inward turmoil – we were taught to keep going, push through, ignore, or abandoned ourselves for the sake of another.
When it comes to our reluctant child, they need to know their childhood is safely protected. If we force our child to engage in activities that involve their fight, flight, or freeze nervous system response – we’re teaching them to override the system God put in place to protect them and steer them. They will ultimately exchange the voice of God for ours … a voice that tells them the amount of pain they experience is equal to the level of acceptance they’ll receive.
We can still open the world to our reluctant child without triggering a flight or fight response. Like all humans, we like to be given options – we experience peace when we’re given the right to choose in our endeavors. This includes children.
Here’s what I’m learning as I lead my reluctant child … when I offer an opportunity, and they say no – let it go. They need to know their no is heard, respected, and able to protect them.
When my daughter was offered a speaking part in a school play, I was so hopeful she would do it! Everything in me wanted her to embrace the challenge and confidently take the stage … instead, she sobbed, became nauseas, and ended the evening with Ibuprofen due to a migraine. She was in extreme turmoil trying to press through her fear of letting me down and also wanting to run from the spotlight of the performance. When I told her she had permission to not perform and I loved her no matter what she decided, her body was able to settle and regain regulation. Our children simply need to know they are allowed to choose and will always be welcomed into our love.
How many children have had to fight, ignore, carry on, and abandon themselves to a teacher, a parent, a friend … in an attempt to gain approval and acceptance while overriding their natural response mechanisms? Meanwhile anxiety disorders are on the rise among the young – symptoms such as panic attacks, increased heart rate, rapid breathing, difficulty sleeping, nausea, and dizziness are just a few of the results of a child being forced to engage where they cannot handle the mental stress. As of 2019, it was estimated that around four percent of the global population suffered from anxiety disorders, making anxiety, along with depression, one of the most common mental health disorders in the world.
If you’re worried your reluctant child is missing out, or won’t turn out – you’re not alone. It’s hard to see them back away when you see how special they are. In this season of growing, they’re learning about themselves too. They’re learning about their likes and dislikes; they’re observing others from the view point of what feels secure to them. Sometimes home is the best place for them to embrace their true self, even if that means they miss out on what other kids are doing.
Keep offering new opportunities, keep reassuring them of your love, and keep letting them choose the amount or intensity of their environment. Gentle nudges become more welcome when they know their heart and ‘no’ is safe with you.
Let’s keep prayerfully moving forward,
Let’s stay connected
