Parenting Tips Archives

For the Parent of a Reluctant Child

How many times have we asked them to try a new sport, engage in a class, or embark on an exciting opportunity only to get a timid or panicked response? Very rarely will they leave their small friend group, the group they feel most comfortable around. If this sounds familiar then we’re walking a similar path – we have a reluctant child. Our struggle as parents is finding the balance of giving them new opportunities and new perspectives without losing their confidence in our ability to protect them, keep them from harm, and lead them with love and understanding. We get worried our child is missing out, or mentally checking out!

Can we talk about us for minute? I was raised among a generation of piers who believed in the term “no pain, no gain.” Another term I heard growing up was, “It’s a long way from the heart.” Meaning, if the wound wasn’t directly killing you, then you’re fine … walk it off and certainly do not complain about it. Do you even know a Baby Boomer who doesn’t, in some way, act like pain is just a way of life and kind of wears it as a badge of honor? “When I was your age . . . ” 🙄

In those instances growing up where we felt tremendous pressure, mental anguish, and inward turmoil – we were taught to keep going, push through, ignore, or abandoned ourselves for the sake of another.

When it comes to our reluctant child, they need to know their childhood is safely protected. If we force our child to engage in activities that involve their fight, flight, or freeze nervous system response – we’re teaching them to override the system God put in place to protect them and steer them. They will ultimately exchange the voice of God for ours … a voice that tells them the amount of pain they experience is equal to the level of acceptance they’ll receive.

We can still open the world to our reluctant child without triggering a flight or fight response. Like all humans, we like to be given options – we experience peace when we’re given the right to choose in our endeavors. This includes children.

Here’s what I’m learning as I lead my reluctant child … when I offer an opportunity, and they say no – let it go. They need to know their no is heard, respected, and able to protect them.

When my daughter was offered a speaking part in a school play, I was so hopeful she would do it! Everything in me wanted her to embrace the challenge and confidently take the stage … instead, she sobbed, became nauseas, and ended the evening with Ibuprofen due to a migraine. She was in extreme turmoil trying to press through her fear of letting me down and also wanting to run from the spotlight of the performance. When I told her she had permission to not perform and I loved her no matter what she decided, her body was able to settle and regain regulation. Our children simply need to know they are allowed to choose and will always be welcomed into our love.

How many children have had to fight, ignore, carry on, and abandon themselves to a teacher, a parent, a friend … in an attempt to gain approval and acceptance while overriding their natural response mechanisms? Meanwhile anxiety disorders are on the rise among the young – symptoms such as panic attacks, increased heart rate, rapid breathing, difficulty sleeping, nausea, and dizziness are just a few of the results of a child being forced to engage where they cannot handle the mental stress. As of 2019, it was estimated that around four percent of the global population suffered from anxiety disorders, making anxiety, along with depression, one of the most common mental health disorders in the world.

If you’re worried your reluctant child is missing out, or won’t turn out – you’re not alone. It’s hard to see them back away when you see how special they are. In this season of growing, they’re learning about themselves too. They’re learning about their likes and dislikes; they’re observing others from the view point of what feels secure to them. Sometimes home is the best place for them to embrace their true self, even if that means they miss out on what other kids are doing.

Keep offering new opportunities, keep reassuring them of your love, and keep letting them choose the amount or intensity of their environment. Gentle nudges become more welcome when they know their heart and ‘no’ is safe with you.

Let’s keep prayerfully moving forward,

Let’s stay connected

For the Parent of a Reluctant Child

Dear Parent On The Verge of Homeschooling

Three Ways To Remove Your Child From The Battlefield

Dear Parent On The Verge of Homeschooling

Are you part of the mighty wave of homeschoolers sweeping across our nation? If you’re reading this you’ve, at the very least, considered it. Before you add another how to article to your Homeschooling Pinterest board – let this strengthen your confidence and reaffirm your plans. ♥

#1: Your child will not lose academic ground.

Imagine a group of children riding bikes down a road. They all must stay within the safe lines and move at the same pace. They are all seeing and experiencing the same scenery. Some are distracted by the rider in front, another is being bumped by the rider in back … one thing is for sure, the goal in mind is to get all the children to the same place at the same time.

Now imagine a little boy daring enough to venture down a side trail. He veers off and is surrounded with wild flowers, trees with out stretched canopy’s, wildlife, streams with jumping frogs and camouflaged fish … the scope of his learning adventure has been greatly widened and richly experienced.

This is not in criticism to the public school; this is about enriching your child with applicable tools learned through self-navigation and curious pursuit. At the end of the school year, your child will have multiple memories of great learning adventures through books, museums, documentaries – and much more! Their character and sense of belonging will be sculpted and strengthened as you engage them with house chores, visits with friends and family, and instill in them their intricate and necessary role they occupy in your family.

No, your child will not lose academic ground – they’ll learn to navigate their academics with curiosity, and in doing so, those lessons become foundations to their life-long successes.

#2: Now is the time.

Our children are being engaged in an adult world – they’re being placed in predicaments that many mature adults struggle to navigate! With emotional responses and ignorance that abounds, our children are forced to live in survival mode on a daily basis. Their developing brains are learning how to cope, survive and make sense of their surrounding – we must not let trauma teach them.

Now is the time to protect them, nurture them and develop their world-view. Now is the time to discuss Marxism, Socialism, Communism, Capitalism … freedoms we have (like homeschooling) and how we got them. Now is the time to encourage learning by demonstrating learning. You will not have all the answers and that’s good – you will demonstrate to your child on how to search for answers to formulate a well thought out opinion. An opinion that is not swayed by fear or pressure – but stands firm on a solid foundation of research and truth.

#3: This homeschooling gig is temporary.

Take it from a woman who has graduated two from homeschooling. The season of having our children home all day does not last. Each grade goes by faster than the previous. There will come a day when bedrooms get dusty and no longer require your cleaning lectures. Without causing you to weep over time gone by and time running out – do something today (and every day) that empowers the present.

Empower your home with activity that encourages growth, curiosity and peace.

You can do this, and for what it’s worth – I’m proud of you. You’re taking a stand against that which is causing destruction. Most admirably you’re stepping onto grounds you may not have wanted to step on nor thought you ever would! In time you’ll see all the wonderful benefits of homeschooling – and there are many! Give your children time to acclimate to their new ways of learning and give yourself some grace to not have everything perfectly figured out or planned well. You’ll learn together what works and what doesn’t. I pray you see all the blessings that are in your off-road academic adventures.

More encouraging reads!

♥ We Left Public School, You Can Too!

♥ Dear Homeschool Mom Who Works At Home

Three Ways To Remove Your Child From The Battlefield

“Until you and I receive the Son God has offered – we’ll be offering our sons and daughters on the battlefields of this world for possession, power, prestige and land.” – Ravi Zacharias

The above was a statement given by Ravi in his last teaching before leaving to his eternal home. His last message is a powerful one, with his humor and on point wisdom – he passes the baton of faith on to us. Does anyone else feel its weight? Feel it slipping through our palms as we focus on schooling, vaccines, science, health, jobs … and so much more? Maybe fear has you playing every worst-case scenario in your mind? With so many battles taking place right now, our children are being forced onto battlefields to fight in adult wars over possession, power, prestige and land.

In 2019 libraries began transgender story hour, gender identity (masculine and feminine alike) was being taught from a drag queen. The battlefield of identity, possession for our youth, was well underway.

We’ve seen the Black Lives Matter movement strike fear and protest into their own communities – the battlefield of power on violent display. The casualties included the most innocent, children with bullet wounds, a young mother beaten to death – innocent victims who never lived to see the battle end.

The political battlefield is subtlety gruesome – it thrives in division and spreads hatred, fear and lies. With an appetite for land, power and prestige … this battlefield has invaded homes and friendships. Its method of advancement is fear.

Though we may no be able to stop these battles – we can remove our children, while equipping and empowering them into adulthood. And here’s how:

Engage the heart.

Do you know what grieves your child? What makes them fearful or courageous? When we gain access to our child’s most inner sanctions, we can nurture the good, speak clarity to the confusing and strengthen the insecure places. Our children have the same feelings we have (fear, doubt, insecurity, anger), when we relate to their situation, we create an atmosphere of trust that leads to mature guidance. Equip their heart to separate feelings from truth. Battlefields will tell them to follow their heart and their feelings – we can equip them to know feelings are indicators not dictators. As they move in obedience to the word, their heart will follow.

Know their influences.

Influences come in all sizes and forms – friendships, music, television shows, social media … the battlefields are not hidden here, they are obvious to the trained eye. Lisa Whittle writes in her book, Jesus Over Everything,

“You will never have authority over what you are entertained by.”

How many kids are placed in front of screens to later become addicted to pornography, video games and cultural standards of beauty? We must know their influences and engage in conversation about the reality, consequences and truth within these battlefields.

Be a safe parent.

We will love what makes us feel safe and our children are no different. The safety I am writing about is a love with no agenda, no strings attached and no standard to be met. This is what our children need – love that knows no rejection. This type of love equips our kids to know God’s love … a love that repeatedly forgives, empowers and brings healing. In a world of condemnation or total acceptance – God’s love convicts and corrects, not from condemnation but from understanding and wisdom. As we give correction in the form of discipline, we’re equipping our children to know God’s safe love; a love that warns, protects and saves. We are called to be a safe parent for our children, a person to help them flourish with discipleship and direction.

We must remove our children from battlefields that are weakening their ability to understand the consequences of their choices. Let’s be parents who nurture relationship to their heart while keeping out harmful influences. Where battlefields erupt in dangerous activity, we can be the safe person our child trusts to lead him or her. As parents, we must be willing to do the hard things – things that mess with our comfort, mess with our schedule, mess with social and cultural norms.

We must stop sacrificing our children on the battlefields of this world for possession, power, prestige and land – pull them away and lead them to Jesus – ours, and their, only source of victory.

With His love,