Category: Heart

Help For the Empath – get unstuck from other people’s emotions and into the new year by answering these questions

You’ve just experienced the climax of December festivities – all the parties, all the cookies, all the shopping, all the extended family, all the rushing, the fixing, prepping, joining, conversating. And now, the new year approaches. If you’re like me, you don’t know what day it is or what you’re supposed to be doing … I only know the new year is approaching.

 

Perhaps the month of December propels you forward with new vision and strength; all the socializing has stirred in you a fresh energy?  However, this is for the empath – the one who feels heavy without explanation and could use some help moving into the New Year. 

 

The best way I can describe the heaviness is this, I wish I could wash off other people’s emotions, because they stick to me, and I’m left with a feeling of defeated-ness.  Empath’s see and feel what others are fighting.  At least that is what I tearfully told my husband the day after Christmas.  I know these feelings are not mine to fix, and I know I’m not responsible for others … but I feel them, and therefore they feel like a part of me.

 

(Sometimes a good cry helps loosen the sticky grip … however, washing yourself in the Word and worship is cleansing, and opens the perspective of victory to the heart.)

 

These are questions I’ve written for myself and want to share with you as a tool to help bring cleansing, focus, and energy back to your journey.

 

LOOKING BACK TO SEE FORWARD

 

ONE:

What relationships had the biggest impact on you? How?

 

Not all impactful relationships end well.  When my daughter and her boyfriend broke up, I found myself grieving a boy whom I accepted as my own. I quickly realized my grieving was because I knew I had much more healing love to offer him, therefore I grieved for his unhealed wounds. This impacted me to begin mentoring and purposefully sitting down with those who need a listening ear to hear their story and in turn, offer them wisdom and healing from my relationship with Jesus.

 

An impactful relationship helps you see God’s direction for you.  

 

TWO:

When it comes you your health (physical, mental, emotional), what brought improvement? And therefore, what do you need to keep doing?

 

I’ve read some great books that inspired and directed health. Without going to into great detail on specifics, I’ll list them and let them help you in your unique situations.

Good Boundaries and Goodbyes, by Lisa TerKeurst

Lysa’s deep dive into scripture has given boundaries a whole new perspective. If you’re looking to be strengthened and engage mindfully into guarding your heart for love’s sake, here is your invite to healing.

Hormone Repair Manual, Lara Briden, and

Fast Like A Girl, Dr. Mindy Pelz

If you’re in perimenopause or menopause, these resources have helped me reverse the effects of shifting hormones. I’m still a work in progress, but heading in the right direction and seeing good results from their advice!

Lastly, I’ll keep walking everyday … and stretching my hip flexors!

 

THREE:

What habits are working for you? Focus on keeping them, the rest will fall away.

 

I’ve always been a morning writer/reader, however since I began mentoring my mornings have been much more disciplined due to the accountability aspect.  Who wants to talk with a person who doesn’t know what they’re talking about?!  This habit of bible reading in the morning has been something that I’ve developed a craving for … partly because I know it’s impacting another and partly because I feel the growth from it.

 

A good habit brings growth and sustainable development.

 

That’s it! Just three questions!

Don’t you already feel the clouds parting?  I do!  By refocusing our thoughts on things that matter most, it naturally causes our heart to engage where it feels most inspired.  By giving those questions some thought, you’ve given yourself healthy directives and good footing.

 

May this new year bring you blessings, security to your heart, and confidence to your step!

If this was helpful to you – go ahead and share it! 

The links used in this post are books I’ve personally enjoyed! “As an Amazon Associate I earn from qualifying purchases, at no added cost to you. Thank you for supporting my work in helping others!

Getting the Desires of Your Heart – and, how can something wrong feel so right?

I wish my heart was as decisive as my tongue. The tongue knows what it wants. If it wants Salt & Vinegar Potato Chips, eating pretzels or popcorn tastes like disappointment. However, when it comes to the heart, we’ll feel its desire in vague form; not able to know exactly what it really wants, we’ll feed it something until it feels right. However, feeding our body with substances and experiences in an attempt to appease our feelings can cause more harm than health.

 

To understand what your heart is really asking for – you must first understand how your heart speaks to you.

 

The complexities of our heart (and tongue) are connected to the complexities of our neurological system. Emotions such as love are not under conscious, cognitive control. They are a reaction to a thought. However, emotions are partly controllable by cognition. “The heart wants what the heart wants” is only half true – the heart reacts to what the brain thinks.

 

When you experience pleasure in any form, dopamine, the “feel-good” molecule is released. When dopamine levels rise, the brain signals that the associated behavior was important and should be repeated – thus telling your heart the experience was good, feels good – so, keep doing it!

 

Here’s the thing, dopamine is activated through pleasure – not wisdom.  That means you can experience something that feels good but is not good for you.

 

  • Dopamine tells me I want to eat Salt & Vinegar Potato Chips – Wisdom tells me I need sodium, or I need to drink more water.
  • Dopamine tells us sex is pleasurable – Wisdom tells us to reserve sex for marriage.

Just because your heart (or tongue) finds something pleasurable, doesn’t mean that’s what it really wants.

 

How to hear the wisdom your heart desires:

 

If you’ve read this far you’ve already accomplished step one,

 

  • ONE: Becoming Aware of Your Actions

Be aware that your heart is asking for something through the feelings you’re having. Identify those feelings – lonely, scared, worrisome, envious, angry, etc. – Recognize you are not the feeling, rather hold that feeling apart from you. You’re experiencing a reaction from a past experience.  Was the experience satisfying a deeper desire?

 

  • TWO: Pause and Pray

I love the words of Ann Voscamp, “Life is not an emergency.” Your feelings are also not an emergency and therefore you can give them time and space to be heard and seen through the lens of a loving Father. God is listening, and you can be sure He is waiting for you to ask Him into your feelings; revealing the truth of your emotions.

 

“For the word of God is living and active, sharper than any two-edged sword, piercing to the division of soul and of spirit, of joints and of marrow, and discerning the thoughts and intentions of the heart.” Hebrews 4:12

 

  • THREE: Let Your Heart ‘See’ the Outcome

When food cravings remind me of their pleasure – I remind myself of the after affect; the bloating, the puffiness, the inflammation, the bathroom struggles. If your heart is asking for something that you’ve previously experienced heartache with – remind yourself of the outcome. Will it cause health or unhealth to you, your relationships, or your environment? While you sit in that space of imagination, does the outcome match the level of desire?

 

Let me explain from a personal example.  I was very excited to go back to college and get a Phycology degree with an undergraduate in Christian Counseling.  It was all I could think about and it   just   felt   right. When the total cost was added up my excitement quickly drained. Between going into debt, the reality of my age, and other circumstances still up in the air … wisdom spoke what my heart really wants. I really want to pour out, help others navigate through hard things, be a Mentor, and to step into the Titus 2 role in greater capacity.  

 

“For the Lord gives wisdom; from his mouth come knowledge and understanding; he stores up sound wisdom for the upright;” Proverbs 2:6

 

  • FOUR: Is your heart desire met through God alone? Or something, or someone else?

If I was married, I’d be content.

If I get the promotion, I’d be satisfied.

If my teenager would obey, I’d have peace.

If my husband would spend more time with me, I wouldn’t be lonely.

If my grandchildren would call me, I’d feel valued.

 

If our heart condition is contingent on someone or something, we’ve substituted the pleasures of God for our own emotional wants. Feeding this kind of selfishness leads to a hunger never fulfilled and a heart that continues to be fed disappointment.

 

“You make known to me the path of life; in your presence there is fullness of joy; at your right hand are pleasures forevermore.” Psalm 16:11

 

Friend, as your heart speaks its requests, I hope you’re able to navigate its complexities with Gospel truth and some scientific understanding.

 

I’ll leave you with a few questions to help navigate all the more.

 

  • Are the places you receive from bound together through Gospel truth or emotional relatability? 
  • After getting what you want, do you still crave more, or experience only temporary satisfaction?
  • Before reaching for the ‘fix’ – do you ask God into your situation and into your heart? Letting Him lead you where it may not be pleasurable for the sake of lasting health?

If this was helpful to you – go ahead and share it! 

The following quotes are linked to books I’ve personally enjoyed! “As an Amazon Associate I earn from qualifying purchases, at no added cost to you. Thank you for supporting my writing!

Closing the Gap Between Loneliness and Connection (with understanding and tools)

In a Harvard Study, post-covid research showed that one in three people suffer from loneliness.  In fact, as the numbers keep coming in, that one is rising. When you’re in a room of many, almost half the people you’re surrounded with are in some way experiencing loneliness – they’re enduring ongoing feelings of isolation and a longing to love and be loved.

 

If you’re lonely, you’re not alone.

 

Loneliness is not something you experience from your outside environment, rather it’s an internal view of your understanding to outside stimuli. This is why, in a room of many people one can feel very alone. 

 

My goal in this article is to give you understanding and tools to move you out of loneliness and into fellowship. In order to do that you will have to be honest with yourself.  Loneliness is an internal struggle; the good news is that God has given us His Spirit to lead us out and into freedom – if we’re honest with ourselves.

 

For the word of God is living and active, sharper than any two-edged sword, piercing to the division of soul and of spirit, of joints and of marrow, and discerning the thoughts and intentions of the heart. Hebrews 4:12

 

You were created with an intrinsic need to belong.  Therefore, the desire to be with others, connected, and experience belonging is normal and good!  It’s healthy!  It’s the way God made it.  In Genesis 2:18, God said, “It is not good for man to be alone.” He then made Eve.  Even God Himself is a triune God, there is fellowship within the parameters of God, Jesus, and Holy Spirit (Gen. 1:26).

 

Loneliness was never the intent of creation.  

 

In the book of Hebrews, Paul gives us a lesson in how to avoid loneliness … “consider how to stir one another to love and good works.”  Loneliness causes you to look at yourself instead of another.  Your thoughts then turn to negativity and make assumptions … no one likes me, I’m alone, I don’t fit in, they don’t want me, there’s something wrong with me. 

 

This is why Paul says “consider” – he is telling us to direct our thoughts toward another and away from ourselves.  What you focus on, (or “consider”) you will draw near to you. As you focus on encouraging another, you will draw near to fellowship.

 

And let us consider how to stir up one another to love and good works, not neglecting to meet together, as is the habit of some, but encouraging one another, and all the more as you see the day drawing near. Hebrews 10:24

 

The day I reached out to an online mom group about the lonely feelings that come after a child moves out.

Loneliness is a result of an unwillingness to be vulnerable.

 

Vulnerability is risky to your heart. The risk? … rejection.  Rejection is to your heart, as getting burned is to your nervous system.  When you touch something scorching hot, you’ll involuntarily pull away quickly – it’s your nervous system protecting you.  Much like a burn we’ve all experienced being rejected at some point in our lives – where there is risk, your brain will tell you to stay safe, and stay away.

 

Therefore, the only way to overcome loneliness is to allow yourself to be vulnerable in the spaces you crave connection.

 

Remember: Loneliness begets loneliness – vulnerability begets vulnerability

 

There are three types of loneliness as explained in a Harvard Study called “The Loneliness Pandemic.”

“Social phycologist defines loneliness as the gap between the social connections you would like to have and those you feel you experience.”  You can close that gap by the measure of vulnerability you’re willing to give.

1. Psychological or interpersonal loneliness –

Gap: Do I have a friend? Do I have someone I can tell my troubles to? I feel alone.

Closing the gap: Have I reached out to another, nurtured a connection, or initiated a meet-up date?

2. Existential loneliness –

Gap: Do I fit into the universe? I feel my life has no meaning, purpose, weight, value, or mission.

Closing the gap: Talking to God in prayer with sincerity and in your own words, attending a church or home group that instructs from the Word of God – connecting with a spiritual mentor.

3. Societal loneliness-  

Gap: If I enter a room, is my arrival both anticipated and welcomed? What if I’m rejected, ignored, or left alone?  No one sees me.

Closing the gap: I will enter the room with a focus on my posture and expression being one of gladness, acceptance, and anticipation of a great experience. And, I will reach out to at least one person.

 

More ways to close the loneliness gap:

 

1. A Slow Start Is Still a Start: The “Sink or Swim” motto is not for me when it comes to starting something new. I’d rather start in the shallow end, build trust, acclimate to the temperature, and then enter the deep gracefully. Therefore, any movement forward is movement in the right direction. 

  • Visit the place you want to experience fellowship. The coffee house, bakery, art gallery, church, hikes, dog parks …acclimate yourself to their surroundings until you are able to trust your environment with others.
  •  
  • 2.  Accept the uncomfortable: There is no comfortable way out of a comfort zone.  It’s best to be honest about what you’re feeling, with yourself and with another.

  • (With yourself) This is awkward – I’ll keep going until it’s not.
  • (With another) I feel out-of-place – do you have advice?
  • (With another) Was this hard for you too? – Why or why not?

3:  Ask better questions:  Instead of talking about weather, sports, or politics – Ask questions that cause more thought than a quick response. These are called “open questions” and they sound like this:

  • Why do you feel that way?
  • Tell me more about your hobby.
  • What would you do in my shoes?
  • How would you solve this problem?

 

Friend, I’m with you.  I too experience loneliness.  Often times the places I feel the loneliest are in places where numbers run high, and sometimes, in a room with those I know.  In a crowded room it’s hard to be seen and where there are many voices it’s hard to be heard. Feelings of loneliness are a result of listening to the thoughts that tell us to remain safe and not risk being rejected or hurt.

 

Questions only you can answer:

  • What is it you’re desiring (conversation, friendships, mentoring)? By pin-pointing the desire, you’ll become more aware of seeking out opportunities. 
  • If you had the fellowship you desired, where would you want it to take place? Start finding places to invite people to.
  • What can you do to close the gap between loneliness and connection?
  • How can you gain trust in the areas you desire connection (start small with the bigger picture in mind)?

 

Was this helpful for you? Share it with another!

Let me know in the comments what actions you’re taking to overcome loneliness? 

Cheering for you!

The following quotes are linked to books I’ve personally enjoyed! As an Amazon Associate I earn from qualifying purchases, at no added cost to you. Thank you for supporting my writing!

Healing Your Childhood Through Marriage

If only we could go back in time and rescue our little selves from the pain we endured.  When we were little, we had no idea the extent of our wounds.  I’ve witnessed a child wail over a scrapped knee while another simply whimpered with a broken arm. Physical wounds can be seen, cleaned, and bandaged to bring healing … what about the emotional wounds a child endures?  Maybe you were that child who endured great heart wounding few to none saw.  A child cannot prove they’re wounded without the evidence of blood or bruising. In fact, many times the wounding doesn’t present itself until much later in life.

For some adults, the wounding of their childhood was never given way to healing.  Time has simply created massive scars that tear and bleed out when agitated. However, there is a beautiful mystery at work within Christ-centered relationships that bring healing to those childhood wounds.

The inner child in a marriage

Somewhere in my young-bride-mind, I believed that when I said ‘I do‘ I’d be leaving behind the wounding of my childhood … I was wrong.  The night my husband lifted me over the threshold, he also lifted the weight of my previously wounded heart. 

Perhaps you too thought that adulthood would wipe away the past? – That once you were in control of your life, stepped out on your own, or departed from those that hurt you, life would be safe and victorious. No longer would you have to endure pain, appease another or surrender your needs. And, perhaps adulthood has given you all that, yet, there are times when words or actions from someone you love hurts deep into those previous scars, agitates them, and causes them to open … and you do what you did as a child – you step into a survival mode that looks like shutting down, disconnecting, fighting, or ignoring.

Advise for the spouse (neither are without scars)

It takes discernment to see when an argument is more about a wound than the problem at hand.  When a wound is agitated there will be indications such as how a child would react – instead of rational problem solving and active listening, there will be exaggerated reactions. And, those exaggerated reactions can be quiet (hiding, reclusiveness, shutting down) or exploding (outbursts, yelling, blaming, demanding, victimizing). Ultimately the Fight, Flight, or Freeze nervous system response is activated due to previous learned behavior that taught your spouse how to survive emotional difficulty as a child.

If you see this happening, here is what you can do …

    • Speak tender and secure words. Think of how you would calm a stressed child … you wouldn’t raise your voice or shut them out, you’d comfort them and remind them of your love and security.  

    • Gentle touch. Physical touch releases Oxytocin (the feel-good hormone).

    • Remind him/her that you’re not going to leave. Stay with them until they’re calm.

    • Keep the problem the problem. Never make them feel as though they’re the problem.

    • Ask your spouse – Do you need comfort or solutions?

Every person’s pain is unique to the individual and deserves validation and examination to bring an awareness of why they react the way they do and how you can demonstrate to them the love they needed and didn’t receive.

Healing wounds takes time and repetitive loving action. The good news is that every time there is a healthy and loving ending to conflict, a new neuron is established and new brain pathways are created.  This means that healing the mind and heart are underway.

From childhood to adulthood in marriage

In a healthy relationship between a child and parent – the child will grow to no longer need the parent to be their source.  Through the growing years the parent slowly transfers their parent-hood over to God so the child may experience “Father-hood” from God.  This is when the parent becomes better known as the brother or sister in Christ to their adult child. They both recognize their complete need and dependency on their Savior.  As well, in a healthy relationship there will naturally be an ongoing connection, however the adult child must rely on Father God to lead, and nurture their maturity in Christ.

In a marriage this too must happen.  When a spouse is in need of emotional healing, or when there was a scar left by past trauma – it is good for the other spouse to see the need, act in healthy accordance to the need, and pray with the spouse in need.  By doing this you’re demonstrating and surrendering the need to Father God and looking to Him to lead you both. 

This way you and your spouse will learn to …

    • Love beyond survival mode.

    • Create a safe and secure foundation that withholds against the enemy’s attacks.

For this reason (and many more) marriage works, marriage saves, and marriage is designed by our Creator to bring healing and wholeness to His Bride.  Where previous brokenness happened through relationships, God knit into us a need for belonging. This need presses us toward one another, causes attraction, and allows us to be healed when healthy and biblical action is given.

I challenge you to examine your heart’s attitude and posture when arguments with your spouse happen.  What are you really reacting to? 

    • Are you fighting to be seen, heard, valued, understood?

    • Does a problem engage your Fight, Flight, or Freeze nervous system response (this is a BIG indicator)?

    • Or, do your reactions feel like past pain? Meaning – if your spouse reveals a problem, do you feel rejected or not good enough?

 

Marriage is simple, we are complex.  However, there is hope and healing where vulnerability and honesty are met with grace and love.  This repetitious act will strengthen and solidify your relationship for longevity and maturity.  Simply recognizing a feeling that is connected to the past is a great start to healing a childhood wound.

Let us be reminded of this, “… be quick to hear, slow to speak, slow to anger;” James 1:19. Not only with our spouse, with ourselves as well.  Listen intently to your thoughts – they will direct your emotions – and your emotions will direct your behavior (reactions).  When you practice this awareness, you’re giving your mind and heart a chance to heal and become healthy, whole, and capable of living lighter without the weight of previous wounds.

Check out the Free Resources page for more marriage helps!

Let’s Stay connected

How to be healthy when your body is in pain

I wish pain wasn’t a universal language. Have a conversation with anyone regarding your physical pain and you’ll see people nodding along or adding their own story of how pain influenced their life.  Pain is common – yet having a healthy perspective of it, is not.

I have a chronic condition that I still hate to admit. In some ways (maybe you can relate), admitting pain feels weak … it feels permanent and hopeless.  To my pride, pain lures me into a cage fight where my will, and the pain I feel will battle to a bloody end. The days when my will over powers pain, are days when I’m short tempered, hostile, depressed, and slow moving.  I’ve never lived one of those days feeling like I’m truly living … rather, coping, limping, surviving.  Those are days where my strong-will weakened my perspective of what it is to be cared for by a tender-hearted God. 

There are ways to be healthy in the midst of pain. I truly hope you grab on to some of these as means to see with hope, direction, and allow Jesus to walk with you in the midst of pain.

 
Communion

The communion I offer to you is not orchestrated by the elaborations of religion. It’s within this sacred and personal space that savoring His sacrifice of love recalibrates your perspective. When I take communion, it’s a humble act where my pain and my will is given over to the empowerment of Christs’ love for me.  In moments when I needed Jesus to be closer to me than the pain, I found His closeness through communion.

Friend, pain is not the absence of His love. Rather, His companionship can be known in your pain.

Galatians 2:20 

Taking communion allows you to see with a healthy perspective – one of hope and security, knowing you’re not alone rather you are found, seen, heard, and given access to know Jesus’ companionship in an empowering way.

 
Listen and obey your body cues.

I remind myself often of this quote by Ann Voscamp, “Life is not an emergency.” For those with chronic pain, we tend to believe we’re behind, behind in our work and in our life.  We have viewed our pain as the hinderance that has caused us to lose out, and to some degree, maybe so. It seems that while everyone else is gaining, we’re losing. This perspective causes us to see the present as a waste of time, as pain being a waste of our precious time. The mindset that pain should be ignored – pressed through – is demanding our body live in a state of constant emergency.

What if the pain that has you halted, is time spent for your healing? For some, backing away from stressful situations, people, or too many obligations you’ve acquired – may bring the physical healing you need. For me, yes to all of the above mentioned and, surrendering to the halting and missing out moments that pain has brought, has also brought an awareness to what my body needs to heal.

  • Your body needs less stress.
  • Your body needs rest and joyful movement.
  • Your body needs mercy, grace, and nourishment.
  • Your body needs you to set boundaries.
  • Your body needs you to commune with God.

For those with chronic pain, knowing and respecting your limits is not weakness, it’s honoring the body God gave you.

 

Reframe your pain

Instead of viewing your pain as a hardship you’ve not overcome – view your pain from the lens of another.  What would you say to your close friend going through what you have?  Would you tell them they’re failing, not keeping up, not trying hard enough? … no.  You’d tell them you see their strength; you see their willingness to show up, you see that the struggle is hard and to be gentle with themselves … you’d offer tenderness and understanding.  You’d tell your friend how you admire their courage and how they’ve inspired you.

When I look back over the years of my own story of chronic pain – I see Jesus. I see days when the pain felt like it had swallowed me whole, yet Jesus’ companionship helped me navigate doctors and medicines. His gentle presence helped me speak softly to my children and be merciful to my body.

 

Pain speaks a language of despair and hopelessness, it’s a language too many are sadly fluent in. However, pain is an indication of what wants to live – in health!  If you suffer from chronic pain, you can have a healthy mind and heart. The pain you experience does not define you as a person, you are not the pain – you are a living testimony of the goodness of God.  When that becomes your perspective, health is obtained.     

Cheering for you,