Category: Healthy Mind & Heart

For the Parent of a Reluctant Child

How many times have we asked them to try a new sport, engage in a class, or embark on an exciting opportunity only to get a timid or panicked response?  Very rarely will they leave their small friend group, the group they feel most comfortable around.  If this sounds familiar then we’re walking a similar path – we have a reluctant child. Our struggle as parents is finding the balance of giving them new opportunities and new perspectives without losing their confidence in our ability to protect them, keep them from harm, and lead them with love and understanding.  We get worried our child is missing out, or mentally checking out!

 

Can we talk about us for minute?  I was raised among a generation of piers who believed in the term “no pain, no gain.”  Another term I heard growing up was, “It’s a long way from the heart.”  Meaning, if the wound wasn’t directly killing you, then you’re fine … walk it off and certainly do not complain about it.  Do you even know a Baby Boomer who doesn’t, in some way, act like pain is just a way of life and kind of wears it as a badge of honor? “When I was your age . . . ” 🙄

 

In those instances growing up where we felt tremendous pressure, mental anguish, and inward turmoil – we were taught to keep going, push through, ignore, or abandoned ourselves for the sake of another.

 

When it comes to our reluctant child, they need to know their childhood is safely protected. If we force our child to engage in activities that involve their fight, flight, or freeze nervous system response – we’re teaching them to override the system God put in place to protect them and steer them.  They will ultimately exchange the voice of God for ours … a voice that tells them the amount of pain they experience is equal to the level of acceptance they’ll receive.

 

We can still open the world to our reluctant child without triggering a flight or fight response.  Like all humans, we like to be given options – we experience peace when we’re given the right to choose in our endeavors.  This includes children.

 

Here’s what I’m learning as I lead my reluctant child … when I offer an opportunity, and they say no – let it go.   They need to know their no is heard, respected, and able to protect them.

 

When my daughter was offered a speaking part in a school play, I was so hopeful she would do it!  Everything in me wanted her to embrace the challenge and confidently take the stage … instead, she sobbed, became nauseas, and ended the evening with Ibuprofen due to a migraine.  She was in extreme turmoil trying to press through her fear of letting me down and also wanting to run from the spotlight of the performance.  When I told her she had permission to not perform and I loved her no matter what she decided, her body was able to settle and regain regulation.  Our children simply need to know they are allowed to choose and will always be welcomed into our love.

 

How many children have had to fight, ignore, carry on, and abandon themselves to a teacher, a parent, a friend … in an attempt to gain approval and acceptance while overriding their natural response mechanisms?  Meanwhile anxiety disorders are on the rise among the young – symptoms such as panic attacks, increased heart rate, rapid breathing, difficulty sleeping, nausea, and dizziness are just a few of the results of a child being forced to engage where they cannot handle the mental stress. As of 2019, it was estimated that around four percent of the global population suffered from anxiety disorders, making anxiety, along with depression, one of the most common mental health disorders in the world. 

 

If you’re worried your reluctant child is missing out, or won’t turn out – you’re not alone.  It’s hard to see them back away when you see how special they are.  In this season of growing, they’re learning about themselves too. They’re learning about their likes and dislikes; they’re observing others from the view point of what feels secure to them.  Sometimes home is the best place for them to embrace their true self, even if that means they miss out on what other kids are doing. 

 

Keep offering new opportunities, keep reassuring them of your love, and keep letting them choose the amount or intensity of their environment.  Gentle nudges become more welcome when they know their heart and ‘no’ is safe with you.

 

Let’s keep prayerfully moving forward,

Let’s stay connected

Choices – help for those making them, and those affected by them

How often do we stand at a decision-making moment only to feel overwhelmed and scared?  For me, it feels like I’m standing in the middle of a seven-lane highway during rush hour. The trucks, cars and semis are my various size thoughts that revolve around my choice – some carry more weight than others – some are erratic and steer wildly – some take up more space and I can’t see past them.  In those moments of needing to choose I feel overwhelmed. Relate?

 

Then there are the choices made by others that affect us.  Choices our parents made – choices our children make – choices made by those we’ve come to love.  When their choice hurts or harms us, it feels like an injustice has been done.  Our heart yelps, it’s not fair, I didn’t choose this!  Or, we feel frustrated, if only they’d have chosen differently! Keep reading, friend, I will address this too.

 

Choices, the one’s we make, and the one’s we didn’t … how do we navigate them?

 

For the analytical type, there are some strategies that help when making a decision.  Such as asking yourself questions like these:

  • What is the probable outcome of the choice I’m about to make?
  • What outcomes are highly unlikely?
  • What are the likely outcomes of not choosing this one?
  • What would be the outcome of doing the exact opposite?

 

For the emotionally driven type – Sakichi Toyoda, the founder of Toyota came up with a “Why” driven approach to problem solving.  When needing to make a decision, ask yourself “why” five times (or more) until the question leads you to the root cause of the choice you’re about to make.

Example:  Why do I want a dog?

Why? – Because I want a companion to hike/walk with.

Why? – Because moving my body and being in nature will help me.

Why? – Because I’ve been through a hard season of motherhood.

Why? – And my heart feels broken, fragmented … in need of love and dedication without tension.

Why? – So, I can heal.

 

Two years ago, those were my why’s. The last why was the root of my choice – I wanted a dog because I felt a dog would help me heal.  This approach can feel abstract; however, it can lead you down some insightful trails of why you do what you do – or, are choosing to do what you do. 

 

Lastly, for those choices we didn’t make that affect us deeply, recognize who holds the responsibility for the choice.  It’s not you, it’s them.  Often times, when a choice is made that is near to us, we unknowingly assume responsibility for it.  This happens because we deeply love the person who is responsible for the choice made.  We don’t want to see them suffer or feel pain – we hurt for them, are scared for them, and we get irritated because we know there could have been a better outcome had they’d chosen differently.

 

In every choice we are impacted with, know this, God is able to meet us in our choice.  There is no boundary, obstacle, or choice rendered that God is not able to cross into.  None.  For that reason, we hope in Him.  Submit your choice to Jesus, allow Him in to your deciding place … listen and watch. 

Psalm 139: 7-12 (MSG says it best) 

 

Let your choice be a place of faith – where hope and trust hold hands into the next step.

 

Blessings,

Real talk for the forty and fifty year old women

It’s not me, it’s the perimenopause – if you’re at the age of uttering those words, let’s talk.  As if life wasn’t constantly throwing enough emotional and physical challenges, let’s throw in some inactive and overactive hormones just to shake off the last bit of a woman’s sanity!  I’ve recently read a great book on the subject, however one thing the book couldn’t give was community. 

 

For these next brief moments, let’s relate to each other instead of trying to fix or compare.  Maybe you need to hear there is a woman out there going through the same hormonal shift you are?  Maybe hearing a few of my struggles will help ease you through yours?  Yes, the community of perimenopausal women are a shifting group … a sweaty, mood swinging, and achy bunch of women who are balancing (along with children, work, and home) a sputtering and glitchen endocrine system.

 

Let’s talk …

 

If I sit, I sleep

Even my richest coffee bean isn’t enough to fuel my motives anymore. Late afternoon naps have become a thing now – laying in bed with a 90’s sitcom, yes please.  For the woman whose spent decades raising, chasing, and releasing children, or getting up at the crack of dawn to earn the paycheck – let me tell you, you’ve earned the right to nap. Please do.

 

Give yourself grace to try different medicine

I’ve always had hesitation with pharmaceuticals, in my opinion I’d rather fix the problem than get a band-aid solution.  After a decade of chronic migraines, perimenopause has given way to more migraines (ugh).  It was time to try the medical helps I would never have considered before.  If you’re struggling with pain, do yourself good … pray, research, then release your options to God and move forward with the helps.  If you’re like me and want to try natural routes first, I highly recommend this book, Hormone Repair Manual: Every Woman’s Guide to Healthy Hormones After 40

 

Diet dilemmas – Eat this – Never eat that – Eat when you’re hungry, but never before bed

We’ve been conditioned to believe our body must look a certain way to be healthy or beautiful and in order to get the perfect body, we must eat the perfect way … my metabolism isn’t getting the cultural memo – Hey metabolism, wake up!  Listening to our body and giving it food rich with minerals, vitamins and proteins is the best thing we can do.  If that means I’m eating a chicken thigh with guac and salsa at 10 pm – so be it!  If that means I roll through a drive through once a week for a cinnamon roll – damn it, we’re allowed to enjoy a sweet treat!  Enjoy healthful food – and by all means have a carb and nourish the body that has been faithful to you.

 

Just give us comfort in the form of stretchy-soft material.

Remember The Golden Girls?  Most nights they sat around a kitchen table eating cheesecake while their tunic style night gowns covered the belly rolls.  Oh the comfort!  Today we call it Boho … more fabric, less sinch and I’m all for it!  And if you think this fashion sense isn’t sexy – think again. 

 

And while we’re talking sexy …

Feeling desirable is a state of mind – not a response from another.  A woman who carries herself with confidence and wisdom, a woman who has overcome challenges in life and remains humble, forgiving, teachable, and tender … she is attractive at a soul level.  Our jeans may be getting snug but may our heart be ever expanding – amen.

 

Friend, I hope you know what a treasure you are.  I hope you know that shifting hormones do not define you or your state of mind right now.  I hope you compare yourself less to the world’s standard and step confidently into the grace of God … who knows our heart and is blessing us with age.  Let’s just take a moment to acknowledge where we are, have a laugh, and keep moving forward.

 

ps. This page contains affiliate links. If you choose to purchase after clicking a link, I may receive a commission at no extra cost to you. Thanks for keeping me writing! 

You May Need Creative Community If . . .

Did you know creative types are 8 to 10 times more likely to suffer from mood disorders – depression, anxiety, or bipolar?  There is also substantial research showing that situational factors influence creativity – meaning, your pain or your pleasure will ultimately affect your creative expression. The Dark Side to Creativity

 

There is something else that affects creative expression, community.  For the creative who tends to lean into introversion, community can feel like a lonely and draining “situational factor.”  However, sometimes your feet land next to another thinker/creator/maker … and the conversation feels life giving and purposeful. 

 

I found myself in one such conversation – and I realized, after leaving the table feeling inspired and motivated, I need more creative community.  How about you?  I’ve listed a few of my indicators below:

 

You may need Creative Community if . . .

 

You react to the status quo with a challenge. 

Questions like “What if…?” and “Why not…?” allow us to redefine possibility.  By challenging the everyday normal, we seek to create something out of the predicable, mundane, or life-less areas.  And at times, the questioning reveals what ourselves or another is holding onto tightly.  Limitations feel irritating when we can see possibility.

 

You seek authentic over popular.   

Creatives seek to stay true to themselves; valuing their personal heart work, they connect deeply with those who expose the truth of their struggles.  In a room full of chatty-Kathy’s, you may feel as though you have nothing to contribute because the depth you desire to give feels too heavy to entrust to those around you.

 

You understand the wrestle of creative work – 

– Inspired, motivated, disappointed, despair, potential, vulnerable, repeat – Somewhere in the wrestling work of cultivation and creation, you wish someone would remind you of how good you are, how far you’ve come, and how your work will never match the beauty and strength of your soul.  You desire to see yourself in the work, and hope you’ve given room for another to find themselves as well.

 

Sometimes, you struggle to believe in yourself. 

Even the seemingly self-confident creative person often wonders, Am I good enough? We constantly often compare our work with others and fail to see our own brilliance, which may be obvious to everyone else.  There is a lingering fear that you don’t have what it takes – and you could use some encouragement, not flattery, simply a perspective from another creative.

 

You live on the edge of happiness and depression. 

Because we feel deeply, highly creative people can often quickly shift from happiness to sadness or even depression. Our sensitive heart, while the source of our creative spark, is also the source of our suffering.  We desire joy and lightheartedness – however, without an outlet to let the noise out, it becomes trapped inside us.

 

What if the reason we creative types feel depressed or heavy burdened is simply because we ache for community; a community of thinkers/creators/makers?  Let’s create what we long for!  I’d like to challenge you to examine your friend/family circle – are you engaging with creative people?  If so, I’d love to hear (seriously, I would) how you incorporate and cultivate creative relationships into your life? 

 

As I endeavor to create something I’d like to be a part of – I’ll be sharing what I learned, failures and successes.  It’s a good idea to subscribe to my blog now as to not miss anything! ♥

 

In the meantime, here is a fun quiz to take regarding your creative type –  https://mycreativetype.com/  I’m a Dreamer, what’s yours? 

 

Blessings,

Dear Parent On The Verge of Homeschooling

Are you part of the mighty wave of homeschoolers sweeping across our nation? If you’re reading this you’ve, at the very least, considered it. Before you add another how to article to your Homeschooling Pinterest board – let this strengthen your confidence and reaffirm your plans. ♥

#1: Your child will not lose academic ground.

Imagine a group of children riding bikes down a road. They all must stay within the safe lines and move at the same pace. They are all seeing and experiencing the same scenery. Some are distracted by the rider in front, another is being bumped by the rider in back … one thing is for sure, the goal in mind is to get all the children to the same place at the same time.

Now imagine a little boy daring enough to venture down a side trail. He veers off and is surrounded with wild flowers, trees with out stretched canopy’s, wildlife, streams with jumping frogs and camouflaged fish … the scope of his learning adventure has been greatly widened and richly experienced.

This is not in criticism to the public school; this is about enriching your child with applicable tools learned through self-navigation and curious pursuit.  At the end of the school year, your child will have multiple memories of great learning adventures through books, museums, documentaries – and much more! Their character and sense of belonging will be sculpted and strengthened as you engage them with house chores, visits with friends and family, and instill in them their intricate and necessary role they occupy in your family.

No, your child will not lose academic ground – they’ll learn to navigate their academics with curiosity, and in doing so, those lessons become foundations to their life-long successes.

#2: Now is the time.

Our children are being engaged in an adult world – they’re being placed in predicaments that many mature adults struggle to navigate! With emotional responses and ignorance that abounds, our children are forced to live in survival mode on a daily basis. Their developing brains are learning how to cope, survive and make sense of their surrounding – we must not let trauma teach them.  

Now is the time to protect them, nurture them and develop their world-view. Now is the time to discuss Marxism, Socialism, Communism, Capitalism … freedoms we have (like homeschooling) and how we got them. Now is the time to encourage learning by demonstrating learning. You will not have all the answers and that’s good – you will demonstrate to your child on how to search for answers to formulate a well thought out opinion. An opinion that is not swayed by fear or pressure – but stands firm on a solid foundation of research and truth.

#3: This homeschooling gig is temporary.

Take it from a woman who has graduated two from homeschooling. The season of having our children home all day does not last. Each grade goes by faster than the previous. There will come a day when bedrooms get dusty and no longer require your cleaning lectures. Without causing you to weep over time gone by and time running out – do something today (and every day) that empowers the present.  

Empower your home with activity that encourages growth, curiosity and peace.

You can do this, and for what it’s worth – I’m proud of you. You’re taking a stand against that which is causing destruction. Most admirably you’re stepping onto grounds you may not have wanted to step on nor thought you ever would! In time you’ll see all the wonderful benefits of homeschooling – and there are many! Give your children time to acclimate to their new ways of learning and give yourself some grace to not have everything perfectly figured out or planned well. You’ll learn together what works and what doesn’t.  I pray you see all the blessings that are in your off-road academic adventures.

name

 

 

More encouraging reads! 

♥  We Left Public School, You Can Too!

♥  Dear Homeschool Mom Who Works At Home